


EB:red VS CG:BLUE ~ Season 1:Gulchstuck

by JeckParadox



Series: [EB]: red VS [CG]: BLUE [1]
Category: Homestuck, Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien Culture, Alien Planet, F/M, Fusion, Gen, Halo au, Homestuck characters in place of RvB characters, RvB style AU, Space Marines
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-22
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-03-31 16:50:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 29,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3985582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JeckParadox/pseuds/JeckParadox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The human/troll war has reached, and now passed, its climax. However, it has not ended, and throughout the universe the two races fight bitterly. On one planet, in a small canyon in the middle of nowhere, sit two bases. One red, protected by four brave human space marines, one blue, staffed by three badass troll warriors.<br/>Or at least, they'd like to think so.<br/>----<br/>A homestuck AU based heavily on the Red vs Blue, it'll follow the general plot of RvB more or less, but who knows when it'll spin out of control?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

SEASON 1: roses are red VIOLETS ARE BLUE

* * *

* * *

 

"...Dave."

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever wonder why we're here?"

"I don't know. It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it. Why are we here? Is it because of some-" he stops, turning toward his sister. "Wait, this is some psychoanalysis bullsh*t, isn't it?"

"No Dave, I mean, why are we here in this canyon, specifically."

"Oh, uh, yeah."

"But if you want to, we could continue. What were you saying, something existential? Perhaps relating to your general insecurities about the universe at large?"

"Nope. Not at all."

"Are you sure? Egbert procured a therapist's couch for just such an occasion."

"Nope. I'm good. No psychobabble necessary."

"Still, why are we out here? As far as I can tell, this is a box canyon in a planet in the middle of nowhere."

"Yep."

"No way in or out, no resources, no strategic value."

"Another brilliant point." Dave said, continuing to stand and stare outwards at the canyon.

"The only reason we have a base here is because the trolls have a base over there. And the only reason they have a base here is because we have one on this side."

"Because we're fighting each other."

"Yes, but we could just pull out tomorrow, and what would be the loss? The trolls would have two bases in a box canyon in the middle of nowhere."

"Whoop-de-f!!king doo." Dave agreed. "What's the deal with this anyway? I signed up to fight the Condesce, but then that all fell apart, and now where are we? Stuck fighting the leftovers? There's no point. Next thing I know, Crocker and her team takes out the entire troll Armada, and I'm stuck here in this desert hell-hole, fighting a bunch of rejects, instead of somewhere doing sweet-ass tricks in space."

* * *

"Kar."

"What."

"Kar, what are they doing?"

"What?"

"I said, what are they doing now?"

"God fucking damn it Ampora I am sick to death of answering that same question!"

"Hey, don't get pissy at me, you're the one holding the rifle. I can't see carp. Don't yell at me, I don't want to just sit here all day letting my fins dry out."

"Okay fishface, here's the laydown. Burn this delicately painted mental and verbal picture into your brain, so the next time it occurs to you to bother your leader with the same inane query, you have something to reference against. They are standing there. Talking. That is all they are doing. That is all they ever do. It is a brilliant war strategy, designed specifically to make Karkat Vantas get so bored he falls asleep and tumbles off the cliff to his merciful final demise and vacation from this sh*tstain of a planet. They talk, and talk, and talk. That is all they do, and all they ever will do. That is what they did last week, that is what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago, and that is most likely what they will still be doing when you bother future me with the same question in five minutes! So, when you ask, and you better as hell not, but you're going to do it anyway, 'wuh-what are they do-in' my answer will be 'THEY ARE F$%KING TALKING AND THEY ARE F@#KING STANDING THERE'!!!"

"..."

Vantas narrowed his eyes, just waiting for him to dare.

"What are they talking about?"

Vantas made a strangling sound deep in his throat.

* * *

 

"Talk about a waste of talent. I could be somewhere slicing up *real* enemies, someone worth a damn. Doing actual work for the Human fleet."

"Well of course. You know, we should put you in charge of the entire operation. I will alert command, and they will almost certainly make you an admiral on the spot."

"Hey guys!" came a voice from below them.

"Oh, hello Sergeant."

"Yo Egbert."

"Come on inside, I have an announcement to make!"

"We're all right here. We don't need to move." Strider pointed out.

"We have to do it in front of the flag! It's traditional!" He said, before marching inside proudly.

The siblings shared a look, somehow able to penetrate through the visors, as they both grinned at their Sergeant's antics. This would at least be a bit of entertainment for the day.


	2. Chapter 2

"Alright Egbert, what's the sitch?"

"Oh my God." Rose said, smiling. "Really, 'sitch'?"

"Shut up."

"I'm glad you asked! Anyone want to try a guess though?"

"Is the war over and you're sending us home?" Strider asked. 

"Yes, that is exactly right, A+ Dave. We are going home, you are the hero, they are going to throw a parade in your honor. I will drive the float, and Private Lalonde is going to be in charge of confetti." He smiled. "But seriously, Command has seen fit to increase the number of friends in the base."

"Sh*t, a rookie?"

"Yep! It'll be great! It's been so long since Jade arrived since we had anyone new!"

Strider shivered a bit. "...Jade..." 

"Oh hush. Anyway, he'll be here within the week! But we got the first part of the shipment that came with him!"

"Oh?" Lalonde prompted. 

"Outside!" Egbert commanded, marching past them.

"We were just outside, what's the point of going back and forth-" Strider began, following his Sergeant and his sister back out of the base. 

"Jade! Bring out... THE VEHICLE."

Another soldier in a pale green set of armor drove the large jeep up from behind the hill. 

"Shotgun." Lalonde said calmly and immediately. 

"Shotgun, f!ck." Strider shouted, a second late. 

"My dearest friends, may I have the pleasure of introducing you to our new light reconnaissance vehicle. She had four inch armor plating, maaag buffer suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three! Gentleman and Lady. I present the human forces M12-LRV. I like to call it the Slimer."

"Okay what. Why slimer?" Strider asked.

"M12-LRV is too difficult to say over and over again."

"But... why slimer?"

"Because I had this pogo ride thing in my back yard when I was a kid, and back then I would pretend it was like a car or something, you know, so I've always wanted to go; BEEP BEEP Slimer coming through! It's going to be awesome. Besides, it's green."

"What would you call it Strider?" Lalonde asked, raising an eyebrow under her visor. 

"hmm.... I don't know. I think it looks more like a Puma."

"A puma?"

"Like a big cat?"

"I know what a puma is."

"Yeah, what idiot wouldn't know what a puma is?" Egbert agreed. 

"I don't really see it either." Lalonde said. "I think we should give it a proper name, one that will inspire fear in our most noble of enemies."

"Oh?"

"Yes. We should call it Glubglub."

Egbert choked on his own laugh. "That horror-terror thing Crocker killed that the trolls were worried about at the start of the war?"

"It was their God of destruction. As we shall be to them." Lalonde said, smirking. 

"Okay, let's put it to a vote. Who thinks it should be called Glubglub?"

Lalonde raised her hand, after a second, Dave did too. 

"Who for Slimer?" Egbert raised his own hand, Jade following suit. "It seems that we have decided on Slimer."

"BS, it's a tie, if we're counting Jade, which we shouldn't, as she's a robot, and otherwise, it's two votes against one."

"But we are counting Jade, because she's awesome, and because I am the Sergeant, and thus have two votes of my own."

"When did you make that rule up?"

"Just now." Egbert said proudly. "Jade, take the Slimer into the base!"

* * *

 "Okay, what was that thing?"

"I don't know, it looks like some kind of four-wheeled motor vehicle."

"A Car?"

"A me?"

"No, no, a Car. Like, an automobile?"

"Is this more b-s seadweller speak?"

"Kar, it's easier to say 'ca-' uh, I mean, 'automobile', than it is to say 'four-wheeled motorized vehicle' in conversation. It's not classist, it just makes sense!"

"Whatever, we should report it back to command."

"But seriously, why the shell do they get a car and we don't."

"What the f!ck do you even want a four wheeled motorized vehicle for. We're about to get a-"

"No. It's called a tank."

"It's not called a tank, it's called a-"

"No. I'm not sitting here while you try to use the phrase 'heavily-armored-mobile-turret-platform' in conversation. It's a f!ckin' tank."

"FINE. A tank. On that point, we are getting one. Why the hell would we want a puny fo- a puny _car_ , when we're getting a f!cking massive _tank_."

"You can't pick up chicks in a tank."

"Oh, you know what, you can b!tch and moan just about f!cking everything, can't you Ampora? We're getting a heavily armored mobile turret platform, and you're worried about chicks?! What chicks?! A female troll has not graced this canyon with her existence for all of eternity, and most likely never will. And as for a second point, how are you going to attract anything in any quadrant but black in humiliating someone by driving up to them in a monstrosity that looks like _that_?!"

"What's it look like then?"

"I don't know... I've never seen a vehicle like that before it... hm, it reminds me kind of like a big cat creature."

"What, a like giant meowbeast?"

"Yeah, there you go."

* * *

"Sir, with all do respect, there is no way no how I am not riding in something not named the Glubmobile."

"The Glubglub." Lalonde corrected. 

"The Glubmobile." Strider reiterated. 

"Okay, okay, I understand your concerns, and I've thought it over, as any good commander should. And I've found a compromise." He stood proudly. "We shall name it _Flubber starring Robin Williams_."

"No, that's the worst thing I've ever heard. That is not a compromise." Lalonde protested. 

"That is the best thing I've heard in my life." 

"No Dave."

"Imagine Rose, imagine. We're under heavy fire, blood and ash in the air, the LRV is our only hope of survival. So our brave Sergeant demands, screaming his heart out in passion for the lives of the troops under him; _Quickly, if you want to live, get inside of Robin Williams_."

"Dave this is in bad taste."

"No, no, you don't get it Rose. The trolls or whatever are sitting in their base, unsuspecting, when suddenly bullet holes riddle their wall, and one of them screams in fear; _oh troll god no! Not Flubber starring Robin Williams!_ '"

"It's glorious." Egbert agreed. 

"We're putting it to a vote." Strider announced. "Everyone who agrees that naming our turret car "Flubber starring Robin Williams" would be the best thing ever raise their hands."

Egbert and Strider raised their hands proudly, Jade following suit. Lalonde sighed, shaking her head and walking outside. 


	3. Chapter 3

"Anyway, then the guy goes; hey, that's my seat, and I go-"

"Excuse me fellows! I'm new here, might I inquire as to the whereabouts of the sergeant? I'm uh... I'm supposed to meet with him and get situated."

"Oh, hey rookie." Strider announced, looking down. "Egbert's at command, no one's in charge right now."

"Actually, Private Strider, Sergeant Egbert left me in command during his absence." Lalonde announced happily. 

"So, what's your story bro?"

"Private English at your service sirs, er sir and madame. Or madame and sir. I'm ready to lay out some aliens."

"Cool. Couple things though, first off, Private English? Nah, that's got to go. Second, what's with the armor color?"

"It's the standard issue red for privates?"

"Nah, no one here does that."

"Um. My apologies for questioning you sir, but you're wearing regulation red."

"Yeah. Cause I want to. Red's the sweetest color, but still, it's _my_ thing, one of us is going to have to change. Can't have two belles arrive at the ball in the same f!cking dress. That's just not how it works."

"Well, I don't have any other armor."

"Dude, it's not a problem, we still have some paint, right Lalonde?"

"Only green, back when John was ordering for Jade's armor."

"Crap. Can't have two green guys running around either."

"We could double up on it?" Rose offered. "Make it darker?"

"Does paint work like that?"

"It's not exactly a 'fill' function on the computer. It's all layers."

"um." English began. 

"Oh! Sh!t. Yeah. Sorry, go on inside, we'll get to you eventually. Just... go guard the flag or something like that until the Sarge gets back."

"Uh, alright. Guarding the flag! Our honor as soldiers! Sure..."

"I wonder if the trolls ever have to deal with stuff like this." Lalonde said.

* * *

 

"So, then I say to the guy in charge, if you've f!cking all got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship? Aint' that just as good?"

"Hey, recruit, you're ruining the freakin' moment."

"Oh, uh, sorry sir." He grinned dumbly behind the armor. 

Vantas walked forward, placing a hand on the treads of the massive black and blue striped monster of a machine. "I could blow up the whole damn world with this thing." He said wistfully.

* * *

 

"Dave, this is cruel."

"Oh come on, everyone goes through something like this. It's tradition to prank the recruits. You know for a fact that Egbert would get much more invested."

"I know, which means that it is fortuitous that English arrived at a time when Egbert's trickster's gambit is not present."

"Rose. Rooose."

"No."

"Just something stupid. Like, so stupid it can't be anyone but his own fault if he actually falls for it."

"No Dave, there are times when insulting someone's intelligence could be amusing, and times when it isn't."

"Ugh. Fine."

At that moment English walked through the door. "Oh! Greetings, my fellow hominids! I'm itching to get started on the soldier life. Is there anything I can do?"

"Actually there is something, could you go to the store and pick up some elbow grease and headlight fluid?"

"Dave I just said-"

"Absolutely!" English said happily, moving for the door, before stopping, gesturing out. "Is uh, is this the right way?"

"No." Rose said, "there is no-"

"Nope, it's out the other way, can't miss it." Dave interrupted.

"Alright then!" He marched out of the room happily. 

"Dave damn it, go get him."

"Look, what's the worse that could happen. He'll get out the door, scout the canyon a bit, learn the lay of the land, realize there's no store, and come back in feeling like a clod. Done. Nice and clean. A *nice* prank, okay? Just something we can report to Egbert for an extra shipment of AJ with the rations."

"...fine. I suppose it is harmless enough."

* * *

 

English padded across the ground, raising a hand up to the top of his visor, looking over the entirety of Blood Gulch. There were a few hills, massive stone walls stretching to the sky in every direction. Some boulders, a few cliffs and caves. Nothing that looked like a "store". But then again, he wasn't absolutely sure he knew what he was looking for. 

His first instinct was to look for a general store, like a gas station or something, but it occurred to him, that obviously they meant some kind of storehouse. He also knew that there was no such thing as "elbow grease", but it was probably some kind of slang name for something else? Perhaps normal grease? Or something else entirely English simply wasn't aware of. However, no matter what he was looking at, there wasn't anything that looked like a-

He smiled, catching sight of a metal building peaking out behind a wall on the other end of the canyon. That must be the storehouse! A little far, but he supposed it was just a quick jog for some badass space marines!

He would become a badass space marine himself, eventually, after all. Perhaps this was training? All the same, he made his way directly toward the other building on the other end of the canyon.

* * *

 

"You know what Kar?"

"Please don't use words that end with a W and follow them with a word that begins with a W, I'm afraid that you'll hurt yourself, or accidentally spit out your tongue or something stupid like that."

"F!ck you Kar. Anyway, I take back what I said before. You could totally pick up chicks in this tank. Maybe, three, or four."

"What the hell would you need with four chicks?"

"One for each quadrant, duh."

"what's your obsession with women, anyway?"

"It's called a personal preference. There's nothing wrong with it." He sniffed, annoyed. "Besides, not like there's any guys here either."

"A new recruit just f!cking showed up."

"And what, you expect me to just pounce on him? What do you take me for Kar? I'm shocked."

"I take you for a creepy affection-starved ass, who, yes, would be willing to creep on a new recruit."

"Okay, that hurts. There was no need for that."

"Whatever. Sorry. Anyway-"

"Besides, have you seen him? He's a f!ckin' creepy super-strong Indigo with a brain like sludge, I'm not going anywhere near his bulge with a thirteen foot stick."

"...I'm sorry I ever doubted you Ampora." Vantas said, sighing.

"...So how should we break it to him?"

"Who says he has to f!cking know?!" Vantas growled defensively. 

"He's going to figure it out eventually."

"How about instead of that, we decide on a plan to keep your commanding officer alive?!"

"You're not my commandin' officer. You're a Private, just like I am."

"Look, when Captain Nitram died, he obviously intended for me to be his successor."

"I don't remember that. Anythin' he told you he didn't tell anyone else?"

"L-lots of things. Shut up! I'm the f!cking leader, irrevocably, for all of eternity, in Blood Gulch Base Alpha, I am supreme. I decide who lives and who dies!"

"What if mister Highblood disagrees?"

"Look. We don't tell him about my blood, and he'll never find out. Simple as that."

"What if he sees you bleed?"

"Why the f!ck would that ass ever see me bleed?! You've never seen me bleed!"

"I don' know, maybe because we're on a battlefield?"

"...Okay. From now on, we're being as careful as all hell. Understand?"

"Yeah, yeah, I don't exactly want to clean you off a wall myself."

"From now on, we're all eyes, on constant surveillance for the humans."

* * *

 

"Whew!" He sighed, nearly collapsing from the long jog across the canyon. "Building those muscles already! Hoo boy!" He grinned up at the black steel base, glowing with blue, electric-looking highlights in stylistic designs. "I've finally made it."

John has an Operator-type helmet, Jake has a Recruit-type helmet, Dave has a Strider-type (for ironic reasons), and Rose has a Rouge-type helmet. Jade is a robot with a Locus-type helmet. The Alternians don't have the same type of halo armor, having something more form-fitting. Like, a fusion of Iron-man and Tron. Look at the ancestor's outfits, and imagine that they were armor, with glowing color highlights tron-style, rather than just stylized clothes. Also, with head-encompassing helmets, with cloth-like covers for the horns.


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey rookie, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm just lying here watching the clouds my CO buddy."

"Can't you find something more... productive to do?"

"Sure, Vantas, I'm down with that." He climbed to his full height, and Vantas backed away instinctively, the massive black armor creaking as he got up, the indigo glowing lines beginning to fire up in preparation. 

"Uh... just... calm down, Private uh, Private..."

"Gamzee Makara, sir." He said happily, "so, what you want a motherf!cker to be doing on this fine day?"

"Well, y'see, we have this superior that comes around occasionally, and he'll be doing inspections and all that stuff. So... we need you to stand attention at the flag."

"Cool. That sounds like fun."

"Yes. Fun. In that one place, far away from me, where you can stay nice and calm, yes." Vantas mumbled, always just a bit nervous in the presence of the recruit. 

"So, how long til the general comes by?"

"We, uh, we never know." Ampora added, sharing a glance with Vantas, and receiving a nod of appreciation. "Could be in an hour, could be next week. We never know for shore."

"So... you want me to stand there for a week?" 

The two senior officers shared a glance. "Well, not the whole week, you still sleep and eat and whatever else we do, but... you'll just be doing it next to the flag? It's an important job!"

"Important?" He tilted his head slightly. "What's so special bout' this flag thing?"

"It's... it's the flag!" Ampora vaguely explained.

"Look, f!ckass, that flag is the symbol of the Alternian Empire. Its Blue patterns represent the seniority of trolls over all other species with its colors of nobility, or some hemocasteist sh!t like that." He threw his arms up in exasperation. "Look, the flag is special for a dozen different reasons, but mostly, it's important because I f!cking said so. So go stand by the flag and wait for the general!"

"Alright. Bitching. Sitting under the miracle flag waiting for the general. I can do that." He made his way down, before stopping. "So... how do I know the general?"

"Rookie, there's only four of us here. If he's not Kar, and he's not me, and he's not you, then it's the general."

"Oh. Cool."

"Now get in there, and don't come out!" Vantas growled, the rookie lazily climbing down into the base to sit by the flag. "God! He's dumber than a sack of you's."

"You mean he's dumber'n a sack of you."

"Wonderful, amazing, I am blown back, into the wall, by the force of your comeback."

"Shut up, it wasn't even a clever thing to say to begin with."

The rookie's head peaked back out of the hole. "Hey, Mister Vantas, sir?"

"God damn it Makara, what?! I swear Ampora, this guy-"

"Why am I sitting by the flag again?"

"ROOKIE, SHUT THE F!CK UP, JUST BE QUIET, AND ALLOW ME A PRECIOUS FEW SECONDS OF MY LIFE WHERE I DO NOT NEED TO CONCERN MY LIMITED AND SLOWLY-DECOMPOSING GRAY MATTER WITH THE AFFAIRS OF INCOMPETENT ASSCLOWNS. GET BACK INSIDE THE BASE, AND STAND ATTENTION AT OUR STUPID BLUE FLAG." Makara quickly dropped back into the base. Behind Vantas, his fellow senior officer began chuckling. "IS SOMETHING FUNNY AMPORA?!"

"Uh, excuse me fellows but-" English began, walking up to the base door.

"ROOKIE, I SWEAR TO ALL THE VARIOUS TERRIBLE GODS OF THE OUTER RIM, IF I TURN AROUND, AND YOU ARE NOT INSIDE THE BASE, I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY AND ALL ACTIONS I PERFORM AGAINST YOU."

"Wh-what did I do?"

"ONE."

"Aw, come on, I don't deserve-"

"TWO."

"Going!" English said hurriedly. He dashed into the door, surprised when it slid open in three parts, rather than rising and falling as a whole like most human buildings. The entire thing seemed to have a darker, more stream-lined design than most of the military stuff he had seen before, but then again, this place seemed quite up-to-date! He entered and stopped in his tracks, staring at the absolutely massive man lying on the ground, wearing similar black glass-like armor. 

"Huh. You sure got here fast." The man said, in a low growly, but still fairly mellow voice.

English immediately turned his eyes away from the strange soldier, not noticing the black-coated horns extending from the soldier's helmet, as they blended into the ground like everything else. "Why is everyone so rude in this canyon?"

"I'm not, sorry, what do you want done, sir?"

"I'm looking for, uh, headlight fluid, and something the boys called "elbow grease"."

"You're not here for this?" The massive man pointed up at the flag, English's eyes missing the horns once more as he followed the fingers to the blue-patterned flag. 

"Is... that all you have here?"

"Yeah, sorry bro. I could go check with the others, but I aint ever heard of headlight fluid, and I don't think we have any elbow grease left."

"Dang. Well, I suppose it would be improper for me to return empty-handed, so, thank you chap."

"I did a good job?"

"uh... your service was... exemplary, at least compared with the rude chap I heard shouting up on the roof your fancy base."

"Oh, that's good. I was worried I messed up again, they moved me from place to place, but I kept just screwing up, and now I'm here."

"Heh, story of my life, chap." English said, giving an appreciative pat on the back of the soldier, before finally, noticing the large black armored protrusions from the soldier's skull. "oh sh!t you're a troll." 

"What?" 

"Uh, I mean, keep up the good work, friend! I'll just take this and be off on my merry way!" He snatched the blue flag, not sure what else to do, and ran as fast as he could from the base, heart beating, realizing how close he had been to death. 

* * *

 

"Well, enough of running our mouths, let's see what this instrument of death can do!"

"Speak for yourself Kar."

"Whatever you ass. Well, hop in?"

"Wha- what do you mean, hop in? I can't drive a tank."

"Are you telling me you're not f!cking armor certified Ampora?!"

"What about you!? A sweep we've been on this rock, and I've never seen you even nick anythin' you've aimed at with the sniper rifle."

"I told you! I'm more of a meelee fighter!"

"Then give me the f!ckin' rifle!"

"No way! It's mine!!"

"But you can't use it-"

"ANYWAY. So, if you can't drive it, and I can't drive it-"

"You can't drive it?!"

"No of course not-" he blinked, realizing. "Holy crap. WHO IS RUNNING THIS INCOMPETENT EXCUSE FOR AN ARMY!? They send us a tank none of us know how to drive?!"

"Yo, brothers, the general-man stopped by, and took the flag."

"Sure, whatever rookie, go back in the hole." Ampora said dismissively. "Now, why would they give us a tank, that none of us even know how to drive?"

"Th-there were WAY to many Vs and Ws in that sentence. Never attempt anything like that ever again Ampora. That's an order."

"F!ck you Vantas, it means I have class!"

"No, it means you're annoying as- wait. What the hell did the rookie just say?"

* * *

 

English was crying, he wasn't sure if it was with joy, shock, fear, or surprise. 

His first encounter with an alien. 

That was an alien base.

Those were aliens. 

He could have just died! Holy toledo he could have just died!

But he was alive!

And he had the flag!! "HAHAHAHA! THIS IS A DAY FOR JAKE ENGLISH!" He shouted. He then screamed as four light blasts flung across his vision, impacting the rocks around him. He dashed for the nearby cliff, trying to get out of sight of the alien base. "HOLY CRAP."

* * *

 

"Sh!tsh!tsh!t." Makara chanted. "I screwed up again, I up and screwed up again!"

"No! What tipped you off, genius?! The fact that you GAVE A HUMAN OUR FLAG?!"

"Is... is it that bad?"

"Didn't we just tell you how important the flag is?!"

"I don't know, did you?" Makara pleaded, somewhat unsure of what was going on.

"Why don't you just help him destroy our whole damn base the next time he comes over?!"

"Kar! I've found him!"

"Where?!"

Ampora pointed to the tiny red dot disapearing into the distance. 

"He's sneaking off to the side of the cliffs, he's a smart one."

"Red armor... that would be their swordsman. He's crafty. No wonder he sneaked past our defenses."

"Um." Makara began. "He came in through the back door you two were standing over, shooting the breeze."

Ampora blushed under his visor, Vantas making an embarrased noise. "...Whatever, he's a dead man now." He turned the rifle. "Say goodnight, Strider." He fired, the shot going far off.  "Th-that was just a warning shot."

"We're trying to f!ckin' kill him Kar!"

"Okay! Okay!" Vantas said, panicking. He fired three more times. "He's too fast! He kept dodging!"

"None of those went anywhere near him!" Ampora cried out. 

 

* * *

 

"Hahaha!!! You missed assholes!" English screamed, waving the blue flag back and forth. He was high on adventure, he dodged death yet again! He could get addicted to this whole space marine thing!

 

* * *

 

"Crrrraaaaaaaapppppppp" Vantas drawled out. "Okay, new plan, we use the transportifier to cut him off, we overwhelm him, kill him, get the flag back! Rookie, you stay here!"

"Oh, shell no Kar, I am not goin' anywhere near one of those things."

"Ampora, we don't have time for this! Why would they give us a transportifier that doesn't work?!"

"Why would they give us a tank no one knows how to drive?!"

"Look, we have completed successful tests with the transportifier."

"We threw rocks into it Kar! They came out covered in white stuff and were like, steamin' or somethin'!"

Vantas growled. "Ampora, we don't have time for this! He had the flag! Go through the transporter!"

"NO!" 

"Ampora."

"Vantas." He answered, coldly. 

Makara got up, approaching the smaller seadweller. "Vantas just gave you an order." He breathed. 

The two older soldiers froze, sharing a glance through their visors, before both silently turning toward the transporter. "B-before I go in, I w-would like to make a point of saying rocks are not trolls."

Vantas nodded. "Noted. I'll be right after you."

Ampora nodded, jumping through the gate. Vantas dodged to the side, looking through the scope of the rifle, watching the spot where Ampora was supposed to come out.

He continued to watch. 

A small, cold, piece of dread solidified in the pit of his stomach. "Sh!t. Oh crap no." His eyes widened, waiting for his friend to reappear. But he also noted the red dot getting further and further out of sight. 

He made a decision. "...I'm going on foot, rookie, watch the base!" He jumped off the roof of the base, running as fast as he could after the human. 

Makara watched, a little bit of nervousness reaching his brain. "I don't think he came back out."

* * *

 

"Did you hear that?"

"What?"

"It was four shots."

"Are the trolls practicing with their sniper rifle?"

"It was four. A first one, then a few seconds, and then three more right after each other. Bam. Bambambam."

"Okay, so- oh, oh sh!t, one of the trolls is on the move."

"Which one?" Lalonde asked, suddenly at full alertness.

"The grey-lines one. The little one. He's chasing something its- OH F!CK ITS ENGLISH. AND HE HAS THEIR FLAG."

"Oh God." Rose said quickly, before running inside. "I'm getting the Flubber!"

"Starring Robin Williams." Dave said automatically, jumping off the roof of the base onto the ground, just as Rose pulled the jeep out to the front. 

"Dave, as soon as we save his life, we are making Egbert sign a no-pranks contract."

"Agreed, in full."

"And you are going to get punished for sending English to almost get eviscerated by trolls."

"Oh come on! It was an accident!" He said, climbing onto the turret position. 

"No, I warned you, and this is serious, if he dies, I'm not letting you forget this."

"Like I would forget it anyway, come on, gun it." She turned on the engine, and to their dismay, and perhaps, to part of them, a sense of pride, the Ghostbusters theme began blaring off the stereo.

* * *

 

"FREEZE HUMAN!" 

"Oh dookies."

"Drop the flag asshole." Vantas growled, drawing his gun. 

"You gave it to me!" English pleaded, gripping it tighter out of instinct. 

"Silence Strider. Don't try to play stupid with me, we've been spying on you guys for three weeks now."

"I got here earlier today! I'm not Private Strider, I'm Private English! I'm a new recruit!"

"Wait... you're not f!cking Strider! The armor's the same color but its all wrong!"

"I JUST TOLD YOU THAT YOU DENSE ALIEN CLOD!"

"Then how did you steal our flag?!"

"You let me in! And then the other guy gave it to me!"

With an electric burst, Ampora came into existence, covered in white soot. "AGH HOLY FISHF!CK!"

"HOLY CRAP." Vantas shouted, jumping back.

"Who's this d!!chebag?!" English pleaded, becoming more and more confused and distressed.

"Everyone shut the f!ck up!" Vantas screamed. "Ampora, you're alive?!"

"Of course I am! How the shell did you get here ahead of me- hey! This isn't Strider!"

"No, shut up, look, the transporter has some kind of delay, I ran out to catch up with him, and it turns out they've got a new recruit too, and now, ugh... and now..." he cupped his free hand over one ear. "What the he- what in the name of all that is not terrible is that music coming from-" he looked up to see the shadow of a jeep pass over his head, a stream of dust and exhaust following it through the air from the place it was last on the ground, a nearby hill. 

_**I AINT AFRAID OF NO GHOST** _

"Holy sh!t." Ampora screamed.

"YAHOO!" Dave shouted in response, firing the turret for good measure. 

"Son of a b!tch!" Vantas shouted, "Run, just run!" 

Lalonde brought the jeep to a halt, jumping out and firing at the retreating trolls. "What's going on?!" She shouted.

"I don't know!" English mourned. "I honestly don't know any more! Everyone in this canyon is a loonie!"

"How did you get their flag?" Lalonde questioned, leading him back to a rock and setting him down. 

"I just walked in and asked for it!"

"Why the hell would you walk into the troll's base?!" She stopped, her face suddenly registering shock. "You what? You just asked- and that worked?!"

"I guess?! They started shooting me once I left with it though!"

"Bu- but still, why did you go into the troll's base?!"

" _I thought it was the store_!"

Her eyes flashed. " **STRIIIIDEEER**."

"Busy!" Dave shouted, praying his sister wouldn't hold this whole thing against him. Ah, who was he kidding.

 


	5. Chapter 5

"Aw sh!t, that doesn't seem right." He bends down to look inside the sniper rifle's scope. "Hell... that jeep has a pretty big gun." Makara hesitated, shifting back and forth in place on the base. He had been told to stay. He couldn't mess it up. But... he had messed up already, this entire situation was his fault, wasn't it? 

"Stay here... tank." His eyes shifting between the ground he was standing on and the war machine. "Stay here... or tank."

Her narrows his eyes. "A motherf!cker's got to do what a motherf!cker's got to f!cking do." He jumped off the base, and dashed for the tank. 

* * *

"Oh my God, does that thing ever run out of damn bullets?!"

"In hindsight, we should have brought the tank." Ampora said, in the fetal position behind the rock. 

"No one knows how to drive that gigantic waste of steel anyway! What good would it have been to bring it along? How would we have even begun with that?! We wouldn't even be able to get it to move!"

"Of course, fearless leader." The seadweller growled. "I can see how this is a much better plan. Hiding behind a rock. Kar outshines the rest of the stars in the universe with his f!ckin' strategic mind once again."

"Shut up... fine. Yeah, whatever. I messed up."

"You said you were going to come after me through the transportifier."

"You didn't come back out!" Vantas said angrily. "I thought it had- I don't know, malfunctioned or something! I mean, I wanted to keep my promise, but I'm not going to just throw my life away!"

"Whatever. Beside that, you thought it was a good idea to run after Strider on foot with only your rifle?!"

"He had the flag! And it wasn't Strider."

"You thought it was Strider. He would have slaughtered you."

"Shut up!"

* * *

 

>Hello, and thank you for activating the Alternian Heavy Armored Mobile Turret Platform Mark 8-0-8. You may call me Peregrine.<

"Uh.. hello, nice... tank lady. Peregrine." Makara said hesitantly, not really sure of what to do with the nice voice coming out of the machine. 

>Would you appreciate a tutorial program<

"That would be the tits, Peregrine. Thank you." 

>Tutorial activating, this is a program intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of the 808 Tank model. Let's start with some slow driving.<

"Nice."

* * *

 

"Rose! Rose!" She stopped firing, clambering down from the turret position. "God, that thing's louder than you'd think."

"WHAT DAVE."

"Oh sh- stop that! You're screaming."

"I DON'T THINK I CAUGHT THAT."

"Look, Rose-"

"YOU SAID IT WAS MY TURN WITH THE TURRET."

"Rose, shh- anyway, let's sneak around behind the rock and get them."

"GOOD PLAN."

"Keep it down, Christ, just... let's go before they realize what's happening."

* * *

 

Makara looked around him. He was not 100% sure how he got into this specific position, considering he had been trying to mimic the tank's directions as close as possible. 

But he was stuck on a rock.  At a very strange angle. And he did not know how to get down. 

>Now that you have mastered driving, let's move on to safety features<

"Wait. No, no! Go back! Back!" The tank responded to his shaking and banging on the controls by somehow righting itself. He tried to shift it back forward, and found the tank turning backwards. " _Why are there **six** pedals if there are only **four** directions_ **.** " He stated in a horrified tone of voice.

* * *

 "They stopped firing." Ampora whispered, glancing at the wall immediately to their side riddled with smoking bullet impacts.

"No sh!t troll Sherlock."

"Do you think they ran out of bullets?"

"I don't know. You want to poke your stupid purple head up and see if it gets a few new nostrils?"

* * *

 "Crap, I don't think we'll be able to get up this way."

"Why, exactly, brother, did you have us get out of the jeep?"

"Well, what did you want to do? Shoot at the rocks all day?"

"I _was_ having fun." Lalonde said, appreciatively.

"What's that noise- OH F!CK MY PALE ASS!" Dave screamed, turning and seeing the tank, which had, somehow, snuck up behind them.

"Holy crap." Rose agreed, terrified.

"What in God's name is this thing?!"

* * *

 "Look, Ampora, don't be an idiot slash hero. They're trying to draw us out with this quiet, so they can get a clear shot at our heads."

"No, they're not. Look, they left their automobile."

"I don't know..." Vantas growled, nervous. "...you know what, screw it, it's either die here or die there, anyway. Let's go get it."

* * *

 

"R-Rose. Hold still. It... it might not see us?"

She nodded, terrified. The cannon was lowering toward them. Toward Dave. Her heart seemed to freeze as it made a tone, Dave looking up the barrel and seeming to become as still as a statue. 

No shot came, for several seconds. "Why is it just... sitting there?" Strider asked, his voice shaky with fear. 

"I think they may be trying to mess with our heads." Lalonde whispered to her brother. "L-let's see if we can get back to the Flubber, move slowly."

* * *

 

>This tank is equipped with an autofire sequence, which can be activated upon pressing the autofire button.<

"Where is the button?!" Makara growled, scanning the module ahead of him and squinting at the symbols and initials on the otherwise uniform buttons. 

"Okay... on the count of three, we make a break for it." Rose began. "No other way around it."

"Wait, on three, or three and then go?" her brother asked. "We aren't leaving each other."

"Of course not. On three. It's always faster to go on three." She whispered back. 

"Ah. Here it is." Makara said, grinning savagely and pressing the button. 

>Tutorial program deactivated. Autofiring sequence activated. Acquiring targets.<

"Um, Peregrine, they're right there. Right in front of us."

* * *

"I'm going for the automobile." Vantas said, gripping the rock ahead of him, intending to vault over it and get a running start.

* * *

 

"Ready?" Lalonde asked. Her brother gave a short nod, tensing his body and getting ready to run.  "One. Two."

* * *

 

>Target acquired<

* * *

"Three! Go!" She shouted, spinning in place and dashing towards the jeep, her brother a half-step behind, and with his natural speed, soon a half-step ahead.

* * *

>Firing main cannon< the beam launched out of the funnel, zipping between the moving targets and colliding with the ground in front of the jeep, flipping it in the resulting explosion. Vantas halted in his tracks, sliding and skidding in the dirt in an attempt to not get caught in the blast. 

"Son of a b!tch!" He screamed, scrabbling backwards. 

"Son of a b!tch!" Strider screamed, watching as the Slimer tumbled backwards. 

"Son of a b!tch!" Lalonde shouted, pressing her hands uselessly against the plating of her helmet in an attempt to make the sound of the blast quieter. 

The tank's barrel quickly realigned itself, aiming at Strider, and the tone >Firing main cannon< went off once more, he jumped to the side, he and his sister both running wildly back for their base, trying to move in zig-zags and staying apart. 

Vantas managed to claw his way back up the cliff, his heart beating a mile a minute, huffing in surprise.

"The car blew up." Ampora commented, watching over the top of the rock.

"NO WAY, REALLY? I HADN'T NOTICED."

* * *

Strider dodged another whistling beam, followed by a burst of light and an explosion, and saw one of the sturdier rocks was ahead. Running to the left and grabbing his sister, he rushed back to the rock, dragging her behind it and crouching down to catch his breath. Lalonde was breathing heavily herself, leaning against the rock. >Firing main cannon< she winced as the beam impacted with the stone, shaking it, and prompting her to crouch next to Dave. 

"Strider." She hissed. 

"Rose, look, I'm sorry, first of all, second of all-"

"Brilliant idea, Strider. Getting out of the jeep. Stop firing at the aliens."

"Look, you're mad, and that's understandable, an indigo asshole in a massive death machine is shooting at us."

"We _just_ got that jeep!"

"Yeah, yeah, Egbert will be so disappointed, I'm sorry, okay?"

"Wait a second... it stopped firing." He was about to get up, when Rose yanked him back to the ground, onto his butt rather than crouching. 

"Are you incompetent?!" she hissed. "Look, the tank literally announced it was set in an autofire sequence. Indigo's not shooting at us. If the computer doesn't see us moving, it'll think we're dead and move on."

"So... we just wait?"

"That would be the best current possible course of action, yes."

"God, this is nervewracking."

* * *

 

"Holy shit-eating gods in heaven." Vantas breathed, grinning. "It's the rookie! He can drive the tank, of course he can, command's not _incompetent_ after all! He brought the tank our to scare off the humans!"

"What, no way!" He grinned, climbing up the rock to get a better view as well.

"Hey, rookie! Good job man! Why didn't you tell us you could drive that thing?! We could have done something useful with you, you sack of rocks!" He shouted happily, "Great work! You really saved our lives there!"

>Acquiring new target<

"Um, compu-sis, that's not a target. That's Cap'n Vantas!"

"That's right! It's me!" Vantas shouted happily, ecstatic with somehow coming out the victor in this mess. "Uh, what's going on?" He said, though with not much of a loss in enthusiasm. He didn't really consider that the barrel of the cannon was now facing him, pointing up to his location on the cliff face. 

>Target locked<

"OH SH!T. UNLOCK, TARGET F!CKING UNLOCK. PLEASE HELP ME MACHINE LADY." Makara screeched, pounding on the autofire button, and fiddling with the controls or anything else he could. 

>Firing main cannon<

Makara leaned back, covering his face with his hands and letting out a long sigh at another job spectacularly ended. He'd probably get culled for this.

"Oh carp, Kar!" Ampora hissed.

"What?" Vantas asked, not really comprehending yet what the words meant. It dawned on him in the last moment. "Oh. Well f*ck y-." He couldn't finish as a white-hot beam of energy phased through his body and into the cave wall behind him, making a smoking crater on it, and a gaping, very hot, reasonably large hole in him. He also went flying, colliding with the cliff face behind him and bouncing down onto the ground. He irrationally felt a bit of worry that Ampora wouldn't like his blood color. 

"Holy carp. Holy carp. Kar? Kar, talk to me, you okay? Sh!t!." Ampora whispered. He turned towards the tank, his face bright purple in anger. "YOU **SHOT KAR** YOU _TEAMKILLIN'_   _F!CKTARD_!"

>Autofire sequence, disengaged<

Makara let out a small sigh, "Oh sweet Messiahs, finally."

"Am... amperr.." Vantas groaned out.

"I'm here!" He shouted, sprinting over to his friend. "Y-you okay Kar? It's goin' to be okay. Oh _glub_ , _what do I do_."

"I... I'm not gun' make it..." Vantas growled. "Is... is my blood... is?"

"There's no blood... I think the blast like... cauterized it or something, it just... _oh glub_... it just looks charred black."

"D... dun... take off my armor... don't... the rookie.."

"Don't worry about it."

"okay... good. F!ck. I think I'm going."

"Kar."

"F!CK." He growled. 

"Kar?" There was no response. "Damn it."

"...Sorry, bro." Makara said, unsure of what to do, not really knowing what would happen to him next.

"...Yeah."


	6. Chapter 6

"What the dukes happened out there?!"

"A big tank. Laser beams. Bright lights. Mortal terror, you know, the usual." Strider answered quickly. 

"Um, where's the jeep?" English asked.

"My brother the genius came up with the wonderful strategy of leaving it behind."

"Hey, everything was going fine until that tank showed up!"

"You lost the jeep?! Jade is going to be livid." English commented. "Where is it?" The words had barely come out of his mouth before the sound of a laser blast silenced all other sounds. Following that silence was the sound of an explosion, and then the sound of a few thousand pounds of armored vehicle landing on the roof of the red base. 

It landed right-side up, and the engine still running. Due to the armor, it looked almost fine. "What the hell?" Strider asked, mesmerized by the fact their jeep was suddenly right in front of them.

The three then nearly fell as the beam impacted the side of their base. "Son of a b!tch!" Strider screamed, hiding behind one of the railing-pillars. 

"What was that?!" English shouted, ducking behind one of the other metal barriers with Lalonde. 

"That's the tank!"

Another blast impacted the base. English looked at the blue flag of the trolls, standing above the metal barrier. "Uh, hey, Private Strider, sir? Would you like to hold the flag?" He asked hopefully. 

"What! NO. Get that sh!t as far away from me as possible."

* * *

>Main cannon fire<

"Hey, rookie! Indigo!"

"Ohsh!tohsh!tohsh!t."

"Rookie!"

>Main cannon fire<

"Uh.. y-yes sir? Mister Ampora?"

"You killed Vantas."

"Am... am I going to get culled now sir?"

"Wh- no! No... Kar wouldn't stand for that."

"Hoo. Well, that's good?"

Ampora sighed, his voice still a growl. "...We'll mourn him later. The situation at hand needs to be resolved..."

>Main cannon fire<

"Why do you keep firing at automobile?"

"My wicked machine's got in on locked sir."

"Why don't you unlock it?"

"The last time it was unlocked, I killed Vantas."

"Oh... leave it locked then."

"Yeah... s'what I was doing anyway. Just... leave things on the course they're headed."

* * *

"I hate to be the one to point it out fellows, but I do believe our goose is cooked." English said sadly, still gripping the flag and lying down in his hiding place. 

Lalonde sighed, flinching as the laser hit their base again, knocking bits of steel and concrete off, sending the little bits of debris bouncing across their vision. "I have to agree with our rookie on this one. I'm not sure how we're getting out of this one."

Their radios crackled to life as one. "Blood Gulch Outpost One, come in Blood Gulch Outpost One. Come in, do you read me, this is Sergeant Johnathan Egbert returning to-"

"Oh God John! Is that you?!" Dave let out a sigh of relief.

"Roger that Private Strider! I am heading to your position, I'm coming home! I hope you guys made the rookie's first day memorable, and have the popcorn for tonight ready!"

"Sir, this is Private Lalonde."

"Ah, hey there Lalonde! Is... you sound worried. Is something wrong?"

"Sir, the situation has, to put it in professional terms, gone to sh!t." Strider answered completely seriously. "Through a series of events Rose will no doubt interpret as my fault, the rookie has arrived, successfully infiltrated the Alternian base, and captured their flag. The Flubber starring Robin Williams has been damaged, to a currently unknown degree. We have one troll casualty, and there is a f!cking huge alien tank about to punch the sh!t out of our base with their giant BFG Laser cannon."

The radio crackled for several seconds. "...Am I talking to the right base?" Egbert asked hopefully. 

"John," Dave cried. "we are going to _die_ here."

"Private Strider! I am ashamed. You know well enough that all of you are far too cool to die. Now, sit tight, and keep out of the cannon's path of sight. I just talked to our pilot, and she thinks she has found a solution to our tank problem!"

* * *

 Ampora heard the sounds of the human drop ships coming from above. Then he felt the impact of the first bomb. "Oh carp. Rookie! Get out of the tank! Right now! An that's a glubbin' order!"

"I can't figure out how to get it to motherf!ckin open!" Makara shouted, seeing the shadow of the plane and feeling the impacts himself. He slammed the control panel nearby the door. 

>Night vision activated<

"Rookie!" Ampora hissed, backing away from the tank himself.

"Okay. Ok. Miss Peregrine, you sound like a nice lady, could you, uh, open the door, please? Like, quick as you can make it, right f!cking now, or I'm going to be flattened like a-" Makara pleaded with the computer.

>Main canopy open, thank you for driving the Mark 808 Heavily Armore-< He didn't waste time finishing, and vaulted himself out of the tank, gripping the edge and flinging his whole body into the ground and taking off running. The bombs had caught up with them. He winced as one hit the tank head on.

"OHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAP RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING" Makara chanted as he ran for his life. He slid into position next to Ampora, heaving and gasping for breath. "Sh!t that was way too motherf!cking close."

"Aw... look at the f!ckin' tank."

It was lying on its side, electricity crackling along exposed and cracked armor. >Y-your message has been l- your connection has been l-l-lost<

"Wh- oh sweet mirthful Messiahs, Peregrine!" 

"Who the f!ck is Peregrine?"

"She was the lady who was all up and teaching me how to make the tank go. Probably the first damn person in this canyon who even said one nice thing to me. And now she's dead."

"I knew you could pick up chick's in a tank!" Makara glared at him.

 


	7. Red Team Art

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something I made between writing chapters, when I thought about what kind of armor I wanted each character to be wearing. May or may not make the Trolls, but the next part in the series "Purroject Furrylancer" now has art of NepMeta as well.

 


	8. Chapter 8

He wasn't really sure where he was now. He had felt his body cease functioning, the mutant lifeblood had stopped pumping through his veins, the pain had faded away, and, with a sudden jolt, which compared to the rest of the slow, agonizing process of dying, came fast as lightning, the connection to his body went out. 

He was free now. It was... a strange sensation. He honestly had no idea what was going on. He floated, immaterial, around the base he had spent... how long was it now? The memories were fuzzy. He remembered a time before the base. On Alternia, being taken up into the fleet, the danger of the first few days, until someone found something you were good for and then.... 

it cuts out. 

Then there was Sindwinder. That frozen hell-hole. The massacre there. 

And then there was Blood Gulch. Nothing filled in the gaps. Maybe dying harmed his memories a bit. 

But he still remembered _her_. Being a ghost was bizarre. While Vantas had never been a believer in once particular religion or another, there were a few basically assumed fates for the dead among Alternians. The first was a strange heaven/hell dichotomy. Where, after death, a soul would either ascend into the light and be blinded with the knowledge of the universe, eventually fading into it and becoming one with it, guarded by terrifying Angels. Or they would descend into the darkness of the Outer Rim, and be driven mad by the screams of the Horror-Terror Gods, the ancestors of Glubglub, and eventually fuse with them instead. 

Then there was the Highblood's weird clown religion, which Vantas had actively avoided, but it said something about all the souls of the dead eventually joining some eternal circus on a paradise planet. Well. That obviously hadn't happened. Or at least Vantas really hoped it wouldn't happen. 

Either way, he didn't seem to be heading anywhere in particular. He glided from one part of the base to the next, hovering over the tank, now wrecked, and then over...

Ampora. And the rookie, too. He couldn't speak to them. And even if he could, what would he say? Maybe this was what was meant for him. To endlessly circle around the Blue base in this Goddamned canyon. 

Then, there was suddenly noise. Ampora's voice echoed in... whatever he was now. Not in his ears, at least. He was... talking to command... talking about him... needing reinforcements. Well... at least there would be more people for Vantas to endlessly watch, like a goldfish in a-

>FREELANCER LIBRA<

His being stilled at the words. She was coming. To the canyon, she would be there. He... he had to talk to Ampora. The noise... was still there. He could... talk through it? The radio? The armor? He didn't know. But it was something, something he could hold onto even as a ghost. He needed to get to them, to tell them. 

* * *

 

"Come in Command, this is Private Eridan Ampora of Bloodgulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me? Come in."

"Alright bro, I am finished! You're all clean and squeaky black and purple. No more white stuff."

The radio crackled on, and a deep growling voice came through. "This is Alternian Command. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha."

"We're here."

"Ah! Command, we need help!"

"Yeah? And? State the nature of the situation soldier." The voice growled.

"I don' know the technical military term for this, but we're pretty f!cked up down here. We need men!"

"...How long have you guys been down there?"

Ampora sighed. "Too long, but that's not what I mean, why does everyone and their lusus just assume I'm a walking bucket?!"

"Solider."

"Sorry! Sorry, sir." Ampora clarified. "My apologies for the outburst, but uh, we need reinforcements. Our commandin' officer just died."

"...Yes, you called that in. We sent you a recruit, and a tank. Private Ampora, as the highest blood-rank present, became the Captain."

"Wait, what? I'm the captain? Vantas said he was captain!"

"Then cull him and take your spot. Anyway, we knew this already. Hasn't the recruit arrived?" The voice sounded slightly more respectful once it realized that it was speaking to a Purple blood.

"Yeah, he did, but Private Vantas died in a skirmish with the humans as soon as the rookie arrived."

"What about your tank?"

"The humans totaled it."

"Wow. Sucks to be you then." The voice laughed.

 

"Yeah. We glubbin' know."

"Sh!t. Well then, here's what we can do. Captain Ampora, there's two options we have. Either we can get another troll down there from the Armada's reserve in... sixteen nights. Or-"

"Sixteen nights?! The humans took out our vehicle and... well, who we thought was our captain, we'll get slaughtered!"

"OR." The voice grunted angrily. "We can hire a nearby Freelancer, who'll be able to get there within a few hours."

"I think we should choose that one." Makara whispered. 

"Shut up. Yeah, Command, we'll take the Freelancer."

"Heh. Your funeral."

"What was that?" Ampora asked, before the radio began crackling out. 

"We're sending Freelancer Libra to your coordinates. Command out."

"Hey fishbro, who're these freelance motherf!ckers?"

"They're a group that rose up in the wake of the Condesce dyin'. Basically, troll guns for hire who work with both the rest of the Alternian Armada, and the humans. They're caste-blind traitorous greedy-as-all-hell assholes."

"Then why are we even considering these wishywashy motherf!ckers? Disloyalty doesn't stand too well by me."

"Because they're all A-Grade badasses. Betides, who're you to talk after shootin' your CO?"

"That was an accident. I thought you said it was okay, cause I didn't mean to-"

"I didn' say it was _okay_ , rookie. I just said I wasn' goin' to krill you for it." The purple blood hissed. "I don't trust you as far as I can throw you. Besides, the humans'll kill us either way."

"Oh. Well, that's what you've got to do brother..."

" _Ammmpoorrraaaa_ "

"What." He turned toward the base entrance, and the shimmering white figure that was taking form there. "Who the hell are you?!" He asked, raising his rifle.

" _I'm the ghoooost of Karkat Vantas you ffff!!ccckkkwwwiiitt_ "

"Kar?! Y-really?! But-"

" _III've come back with a wwwarrrning, so shut the f!ck up and liissten~"_

"heyyy. You're not that Vantas guy." Makara said, almost amused. "He's f!cking dead. An sides, you've got motherf!cking white armor, he was wearing that black and grey. That's not troll armor. You've got his nubby wiggler horns though."

"Rookie. Shut up." The ghost sighed, slapping itself with its hand. "Who the f!ck ever heard of a black ghost?! Ghosts are f!cking white, flying terrifying messangers of doom. I'm a badass spectral malicious spirt. So shut the f!ck up and let me finish you assnugget. You already killed me once, now you're going to practice insubordination into the grave?! Wow, I'm impressed, what determination. The rookie's sole purpose in life is to make sure Vantas never gets a word in f!cking edgewise. Well, you know what. Nope! I'm talking, you're shutting up, and letting me f!cking finish!" _  
_

"Yeah, this is definitely him." Ampora said, smiling under his visor.

"Now I've got to start over! God damn it! Oh, f!ck, maybe I shouldn't say that now that I'm actually dead." He looked hesitant before shrugging. "Ah, whatever, I haven't been sucked into the abyss yet. Ahem.....  _Amppppoorrrraaa~Ammmpoorrraa, I've returned wittth a warrrning~_ "

"Kar, is it really necessary to start from the beginnin'? And is the weird voice thing really important?"

"Yeah, it's kind of getting on my nerves. You're like, a motherf!cking boat running on two different flows. Which one is the real Vantas?"

"Look, fine, whatever. Here's the deal assholes, I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about that Freelancer. Libra. Don't let-"

"What's this about a f!cking warning?"

" _God. **Damn.** You rookie._  Shut up, for one second in your pathetic life, and I'll tell you. Then you can think about that, instead of what's the best way to interrupt my very-important-message from the sh!tting GREAT BEYOND?!"

"Sorry, I just kind of blanked out for a few seconds there. You sparkle really pretty in the sun, being all transparent and sh!t."

"Seriously you ass, do you think this is easy? Do you think that getting blown up by my own f!cking tank, and then coming back, appearing in physical form in such a way I do not blind you with the awesome magnificence that is my white-fire soul, is a stroll through the f!ckingg wiggler play area?! That I can just pop from one side of the great f!cking veil to the other whenever the whim strikes me!? No. This takes a great amount of concentration and iron-hard, no, titanium-hardened willpower! I am a beast, a force of nature now, and I must narrow myself down to this f!cking display for your benefits. And what do you do? Interrupt me. Over and over. Because, it's not like he's busy or anything, he's dead, right? Well WHO'S FAULT IS THAT. God. Damn."

"Sorry Vantas-man."

"...Fine. Anyway-"

"Is this our miracle warning now?"

"... That's it. I swear, to whatever forces may be out there, listening to the poor, unfortunate whisperings of my wandering soul, that until you die your well-deserved and hopefully early demise, you're f!cking haunted."

"Sh!t." 

"Look, whatever, Ampora, you know how I said I was stationed on Sidewinder before I got placed here, right?"

"You never told me anythin' about what you did before Blood Gulch. I figured you must've had a pretty bad time of it, bein' a mutant and all-"

"ANYWAY. IXNAY ON THE UTANTMAY."

"Wait... Sidewinder? You mean that b!tchin' ice world. What was that like? I heard they have really pretty mountains and sh!t. And the people just sit and drink hot coco all day-"

"It was cold. Ending that line of discussion before it f!cking derails and explodes. Anyway."

"Would you jus' let him talk rookie?!" Ampora growled. "We may not have much time."

"Thank you Ampora. Anyway. One day while I was there, everything was normal. I was out on patrol with my partner Mierfa. She was good kid, for a blueblood, I mean. Everyone liked her."

"Was I a good kid, Kar?"

"Look, Ampora, you don't need to get jealous, just f!cking listen. Anyway, the guys were shooting the breeze, waiting for some action and b!tching about the cold."

* * *

 

"Man it's cold."

"I hope we have some action soon."

* * *

 

"And Mierfa was telling me all about her boyfriend stationed on one of the Battleships. That was when Libra showed up."

* * *

 

"I'm telling you Vantas, as soon as I'm transferred, I'm going to get down on one knee and ask him to be my permanent matesprite. We're going to fill a bucket."

"That's sweet. If there's anyone who deserves to get out of this frozen sh!thole alive, it's you Durgas."

"Vantas, please, call me Mierfa."

* * *

 

"Libra got to Whelan first. He was halfway across the base when he started screaming bloody murder."

* * *

 

"BLOODY MURDER! BLOODY MURDER!!!" the troll screamed, before being cut down by an invisible blade. Purple soaking the snow. The closest soldiers ran over to him, only for one to suddenly spurt olive from a slash that appeared suddenly on his chest. The rest then began firing in the general direction, refusing to turn their backs on the bodies. Each gunner fell in turn, attacked from the side or behind, and each time, the rest would direct their fire around the victim, hoping to catch the invisible attacker. 

Finally, Vantas and Mierfa were the only ones still alive, their backs to a frozen boulder, both of them holding their guns up, nervous. For a few seconds, there was absolute silence, the two conserving their bullets until the last possible second. Vantas turned his head away from Mierfa, scanning the surrounding area, only turning when he heard a sickening crack, and the beginnings of a scream.

He was splashed with blue as the invisible attacker ripped his partner's head apart, having ripped off the helmet by the horn coverings, and seemingly pulled the horns and part of her skull out with it. Vantas watched, absolutely horrified, as the invisible attacker used his partner's own horns to kill her. "Th-This shouldn't be possible!!!" She screamed, watching her own skull coming down on her. She was silent soon after, turning the snow around them cobalt blue. 

He raised his rifle, cursing himself for not doing it the moment he turned around, when the figure uncloaked. 

Its armor was nothing like most trolls in the military, where they predominantly went with black and highlights to indicate bloodcolor, but instead a combination of bright Sun-red and teal. The helmet was the only thing black in the armor, and even then the visor was bright red glass rather than black. 

Dripping off of it was the near-rainbow of colors that had poured out of Vantas' comrades. 

* * *

 

"The bottom line is... these freelancers... they're bad news."

Ampora stared, horrified. 

"And Libra... Libra is one of the worst, most dangerous, and most savage."

"If this asshole's such a badass, then why didn't he up and kill you?" Makara questioned.

"Honestly. I don't know why Libra didn't kill me right then and there. It would've been easy. I think it's because we knew each other before."

"Where?" Ampora asked.

"...Ampora, do you remember me ever telling you about that girl I had back home?"

"Heh, yeah. You wouldn't shut up about her when we were first stationed here."

"Well, Libra is the real reason we never f!cking stuck together as Matesprites." He said somewhat angrily. He noticed with a twinge that it was becoming more difficult to hold together the image he was presenting for his friend. "Ampora, I'm fading pretty quickly now, so, here's my warning! Don't let Libra get involved in all this, everyone around Libra ends up dead one way or another, and I don't want you to get involved!"

"Okay Kar."

"I f!cking mean it you incompetents. No scouting, no fighting, no sending Libra against the humans, don't let Libra at the tank. Nothing. You'll f!cking regret it." He felt the image crackling and fading, and soon he was free-floating. Once more looking at reality through a different lense than eyes. Still, he drifted from place to place along the base. He hoped those two idiots would actually heed his warning, rather than get themselves killed. 

The word Freelancer sent chills down his nonexistent spine. Brought back a stream of bad emotions. Perhaps the echoes of memories lost in death.

And the word Libra brought back a waterfall. 

* * *

 

"So... Kar and Libra were after the same girl in the Red."

"Or maybe the motherf!cker killed her."

"Oh, yeah, that could be true too. No wonder he hates him so much."

"...You think Vantas has a Blackrom crush on this Libra guy?"

"Oh, definitely. I'd bet my fins. But he wouldn't fill it out. Vantas has this really weird thing about killing other trolls. Even talking about killing humans. Or... he... had. I suppose."

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

"and, you know, I thought we would be able to catch them if we snuck around to the side while they were hiding behind the rocks, but then the tank showed up and everything went to hell. I don't know. I'm sorry sir. I messed up today."

John pressed his fingers into his forehead, sighing. "Strider, do you have any idea how close you were to getting English killed on his first day?"

"I know sir. But I told you, it was just-"

"Strider. Pranking the new recruits is a time-honored tradition within the military. One that I hold very dearly to my heart. But there's is a fine line between japery and callousness for your teammate's emotions. I understand you didn't mean for it to turn out this way, and if we were a survey station or an enclosed environment, it would have been an excellent prank. I'll be holding onto the idea. But we are in close reach of the enemy. Our base, and the immediate surrounding area, are our literal only safe zones within this canyon. I don't feel the need to limit you and Lalonde because you've earned my trust to know you'll be smart enough and experienced enough to know when its safe to walk around. And besides, you normally stay close enough to the base anyway. But this is a new recruit. There are four trolls, and all their weapons, less than an hour away from our position. This is a warzone. I hope you know that, Private."

"I do, Sergeant."

"I appreciate you taking it upon yourself to carry on the tradition, but please, do think things through from now on. As punishment, no deserts for the next two months, I'm taking twenty-five breaks randomly from your schedule, no videogames, no movie nights for the next month at least, and..." he grinned. "...because your heart was in the right place, I'll give you a ten-second head start before I let Jade do anything she wants to you." The figure in the light-green locus armor stopped working on the jeep, turning toward Strider silently, skull-like helmet facing him directly. 

"Guys, I just want you to know, I'm really, really sorry."

"English, does that sound like an appropriate punishment?" Egbert asked up at the Private.

"Uh... well, I don't think its my place to say. But, I think it's fitting."

"Alright then. Ten Mississippi."

"Crap." Strider began running. 

"Seven Mississippi." Egbert continued, watching the red armored figure get farther and farther away. He waited a few more seconds and then turned toward the green-armored soldier. "Go get im'"

The soldier dashed off after him, prompting a shriek. 

* * *

 

"Uh... an' that's basically it." Eridan finished. "They have five guys over there and a large car."

" **And your flag**." The soldier fired several more rounds at its target. Seeming satisfied, the soldier quickly reloaded and switched to tossing grenades. Ampora flinched with each blow. 

"Uh, I'm not sure how it was at your other bases, but here we don't use our own soldiers as target practice." he said, daring to put a little iron into his voice. He was a seadweller after all. The Freelancer should respect that at least a little bit.

"Ampora, I think I just peed a little." Makara admitted, holding as still as possible, eyes following the hand movements of the Freelancer. 

Ampora sighed, looking back at the Freelancer, who had decided to switch back to the gun. A new scorch mark appeared on the wall behind him, about an inch away from the edge of the indigo-blood's shoulder pad. 

"So... interesting armor. Bright, colorful. Bulky. Uh... special forces?"

More gunfire. Makara began making a low, scared noise. Ampora glanced back at the recruit and frowned. 

"That's... cool. Could, uh, you stop firin'?" Ampora tried. "I think you're beginnin' to scare the recruit."

A crackling giggle broke through the voice filter, becoming distorted. " **Good. As he should be. When facing a badass Freelancer such as myself.** "

"Uh... yeah, well anyway-" The Freelancer tossed the weapon onto the magnetic hook on its back, and casually strolled off the side of the base, landing perfectly and marching toward the other side of the canyon. "Where are you goin'?" Ampora asked, worried. 

" **The human base. Kill everybody. Get your worthless flag back. Maybe take their delicious one too. As a souvenir. Hehehe.** "

"Good luck with that you scary motherf!cker. I hope you find some target practice of your f!cking own-" Makara said, growling slightly. The Freelancer stopped in place, glancing at him. "I think I'm just going to lie back over here, far away from you, and uh, guard the transportifier or some sh!t. Good luck! Uh. Sir!" He tried, gulping and then rushing inside the base. 

* * *

Rose watched, amused, as Jade carried Strider back bodily to the base. Jake watched with a small amount of shock. Strider struggled hopelessly to free himself from the armor's grip.

"Enjoying your punishment Strider? The Sergeant's going easy on you."

"You come down here and play babydolls with the psychodroid in my place then and we'll see if I'm getting the easy bit of it."

"I almost died yesterday." English said, somewhat annoyed. 

"Yeah, sorry about that dude. Really. My bad, 100%. I thought you would go out and look for a bit, and then come back to the base feeling like an idiot."

"I did." English said, raising an eyebrow. "I gallivanted into the troll's lair,  bumbling about asking for headlight fluid! The troll was so caught off-guard by the ridiculous question, he didn't even realize I was a human! Well, I was caught up in it too, and didn't realize he was a troll until he actually got up and passed me their flag. Your pranking shenanagins probably saved my neck. Well, they put me in there too. But anyway."

"So what did the Sergeant think of your brilliant plan to leave the jeep, by the way?" Lalonde asked.

"He feels that it was sound in principle, and that the presence of unpredictable variables such as half-deaf snarky broads and massive tank laser beams made the plan fall apart."

"Oh, so now I'm a factor in the stupidity of your plan?"

"Rose, please, be frank with me. If we were still in the Flubber when the tank rolled in, what good would it have done us? What's a machine gun turret compared to an alien space laser."

"...If we're on a planet, and the laser cannon was built on a planet, and the laser itself was created and fired on a planet, wouldn't it just be a laser? Since it never goes into space?"

"English, just- look, it's an alien superweapon. Therefore, everything we do is human, and everything they do is space, or troll. That's how adjectives work."

"I don't think so."

"Come on, Lalonde, back me up here. The grey one, he would always shout stuff like 'shrivel and die like your human worms'. Or he'd go on a tangent insulting 'human marriage', or 'human strategies'. Or any of that crap."

"I do vaguely remember such words. However, I don't think we should take his word for it. All the trolls have those strange verbal tics."

"Oh?" English asked, interested. "I guess you guys would have lots of experience then! In the space army and such, fighting the aliens in massive battleships, or here, in day-to-day manly struggles to the death!"

"Uh... yeah. You seem a little wistful there Private, sad you missed the action?"

"Heh, I've been waiting to sign up since I was six! The war's been going on for the better part of forty years, and we all thought it would just keep going! Three years ago Crocker- bless her soul! -took out the Troll's Empress and her flagship and her tentacled psychic superweapon, and boom! Done! Suddenly no more draft, no more wars, just reports of people coming back home and reports of peace negotiations and the occasional flare up. But I've been looking forward to this my entire life! Of course I was going to come up here! Besides, the war's not over, just the hardest part! I still have a duty to my species!" He said proudly, waving the blue flag with a smile. "Do you think they'll give me my own color armor now that I captured the flag?"

"Captured?" Strider asked. "I thought you asked nicely and their new guy gave it to you without realizing who you were?"

"Oh pish posh Strider." English said, waving his hand as if that would blow away the details of what he was now rebuilding as his first great heroic adventure. "I captured their flag! I went into the lair of the enemy and came back out unscathed!"

"True enough." Lalonde said with a smile. "And unfortunately, while you can put in requests for new armor, they take a ridiculous amount of time to come in. Maybe they'll give you Strider's high-tech waste of money, because he wrecked the jeep."

"Ha ha. Do you know how long it took to convince them to give me the Strider model armor?!"

"I don't see what was so special about it?" Rose questioned. 

"It is called 'strider'. I too, am called strider. Me and this armor were meant to be."

"Well, either way. We do have some armor paint left over. We have green, pink, purple, blue, orange, and red."

"Oh? Why those colors in particular?"

"Despite already being most of them? It's what we use to repaint our own armor."

"Well, I'll look into it!"

* * *

 

Egbert watched as Jade worked on the jeep, hanging over the armor's shoulders and trying to pay attention to what was happening. He fancied himself a mechanic as well, but if he were being honest with himself, he would agree that he was pretty terrible at it. 

"Try connecting that hose to the metal thingie there and-" the droid turned its silent head toward him, even without eyes or even a visor somehow managing an annoyed glare. "Y'know, I think I'll just let you do this stuff then."  He twitched, his eyes glancing to the side. "...Jade..."

The robot stopped its work once more. 

"...did anything just come up on your motion tracker?" he whispered. 

The robot quietly dropped its wrench and pulled out a rifle.

* * *

 

"Rose, what's going on?" Strider asked, his sister suddenly winking out of the conversation and looking out over the canyon. Despite what many said, they didn't have twin-telepathy or anything like that, but he knew when she was serious, and when she was _serious_. 

"I thought I saw something for a moment there. I thought it was a soldier..."

"What's going on chaps?" English asked. "What's happening? One of those devious trolls?"

"Hey English, tuck the flag somewhere safe until we figure out what's happening right now."

"Alright." he tossed it down the hole, and readied his pistol.

* * *

** TOO F!CKING EASY. THESE. SQUISHY DISGUSTING BASTARDS. **

_ There there Callie. I thought you would find this interesting! After all, in the entire war we never fought humans before, how strange, isn't it? Ahehehehe. I wonder how they compare to trolls. Maybe it's more fun? After all, every single one of them is full of delicious red!  _

** THEN THEY SHOULD WEAR THEIR COLORS. GOD DAMN. IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO A BAG OF DELICIOUS CANDY. EXCEPT THEY ARE ALL STUPID LIAR PIECES. ALL THE CANDIES ARE CHERRY FLAVORED. EVEN THE GREEN ONES.  **

_ Can I have the red ones? >:] _

** THEY ARE ALL CHERRY FLAVORED. ALL OF THEM. THAT IS THE POINT. THE CANDY SHOULD ALL BE RED. BUT IT IS NOT. WHICH IS WHY IT IS STUPID. **

_ The red ones will still be the best.  _

** SHUT UP. I WANT THE RED ONE. **

_ Look, there are two! So, what's the best plan of action? _

** USE A STICKY GRENADE ON THE FIRST. MAKE THEM BREAK OFF INTO DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. KILL THE REST. ONE. BY. ONE.  **

_ Spoilsport. It's no fun unless they all try to grab me at once! But fine, blaaa, whatever you want Callie. Each kill will be so fun it won't matter. _

 

* * *

 

"um, what's that?"

"What, mate?"

"There's a... thing. On your head."

Rose turned, eyes widening. "What is that thing?! One of the local fauna?"

"Is it a spider?" English asked, trying hopelessly to look at whatever creature stuck itself to the top of his helmet. 

"Why, you scared of spiders?"

"Of course not, they're dashing!"

"It's not a spider... it's some kind of... blue creature?"

"Like a blue spider? Even better! Does the Sergeant let us feed animals or keep pets or anything like that?"

"I don't think you'd want this thing dude. It's like some kind of fuzzy pulsating thing."

"Does it hurt?" Rose asked. 

"Lalonde, this armor is meant to be able to withstand troll psychic lashings and protect from laser beam blasts. Its air-tight, self-cleaning, power-enhancing armor. No mere animal on this worthless rock has a chance in hell of biting through these things." Dave replied. 

"Either way, we should at least get it off his helmet... maybe this was the thing I saw in the corner of my eye."

"Cool idea. Go for it."

"By 'we', I meant 'we' Dave."

"Look, I'll see if I can get it off." He reached up and gripped it. "Oh man, that is gross! It really is fuzzy and pulsatin-" the grenade exploded. 

"Son of a b!tch!" the twins shouted in unison. With a small thud, their invisible attacker landed on top of the base, slamming the pink-armored woman in the back, collapsing her without a sound of protest, and then knocked out Strider with a kick to the head. 

She would finish them later.

At her leisure.

 

* * *

"Wow, mister asskick is really laying out those motherf!ckers." 

"How come I never get the f!ckin' sniper rifle? I got the highest marks for shootin' in my grade!"

"Y'know Ampora, it's times like these I'm really glad that I'm a troll. That means guys like that guy are on my side and not on theirs"

"Yeah, it makes things easier on us, that's for sure. What was Kar so worried about? We'll win! We might pull out of this coddamn canyon and go somewhere meanin'ful."

"I'm thinking Vantas for Libra was a pretty good trade." Makara said, nodding to himself. "A f!cking straight-up miracle. I accidentally do all that crap, and because of those accidents, we're going to f!cking win the war."

"Fin. So your screwup might not be totally without benefits. But seriously, rookie, this doesn't mean I'm just goin' to f!ckin' forget what you did, alright? The next time Vantas haunts your creepy subjuggulator ass, remember that."

"...What? Sorry bro, I was distracted by the lights."

"What?" He turned to where the taller troll was pointing, seeing the ghost of Vantas form once more. "Oh sh!t Kar."

"Hey asswipes. Oh yeah, your flag's back."

"What the f!ck." Makara leaned over the edge, looking into the hole. "Hahah, see, what'd I tell you? The Vantas motherf!cker dies, and we're getting miracles all over the damn place. A Freelancer shows up, our flag all magically appears back where it belongs, and we've got f!cking beautiful tiny angels flying around."

"It's built to do that. It's part of a score-keeping system." Ampora clarified. "It's tradition. Y'see, commanders would hide the flag somewhere dangerous and set up these huge cullin' arenas, where groups would race and fight over who would capture the flag, and when they did, it would teleport back an'"

"Nice. Whatever Ampora. Look, I'm not here to make smalltalk. How'd you two thinksponge-less wonders manage to get the flag back?"

"Uh." Makara hesitated, looking over at the seadweller.

"Wh, that flag? Come on Kar, we've always had that flag."

"I know we always f!cking had that flag. That's why it was so goddamn important to get it back when it was f!cking stolen right out from under our asses through our sheer incompetence. And where the hell is Libra?!"

"Look, Kar. I don't know what happened with you and Libra, quadrant entanglements, vendetta cycles, unfulfilled kismesis or assasinatin' your matesprite or somethin', but Libra's a f!ckin' badass. We're goin' to win this battle once and for all today."

"Oh. Oh, I see. How typical. How 100% situation-f!cking-normal. Ampora thinks he knows better than his leader and dooms everyone. God Damn. You know what, f!ck you. What was the one thing I said to you two?! The one thing I said?! The message, delivered by a spirit, to ensure your survival?!"

"...That sidewinder was cold?" Makara offered.

"What. Was the other. Thing. I told you."

"...Don' let the Freelancer get involved."

"And what did you two geniuses f!cking fall over yourselves to do?!"

"We let him get involved."

"How involved?! Just a little bit? Noooo." Karkat hissed.

"Very, very f!cking involved." Makara answered.

 

* * *

 

Under the visor, the supersoldier grinned. First objective complete. The flag was back in its proper place. Time to find the other... what were there? Four? Five? She hadn't really been listening to the purple one. 

It would knock them out, and then take its time with each one. Vantas was always so particular about not letting any of his precious blood get anywhere. It would be... ironic, to let it paint the walls bright red-

No. 

_ No. That part wasn't me. Callie's bleeding into my brain again.  _

"Freeze dirtbag." Came a confident, angry voice. Bright blue armor. A shotgun. Checking the other side, looking for an escape route, the other one appeared. The one in the lime green armor without a visor. Blind? Hopefully. It would deliciously ironic. "Drop your weapons." He said firmly. The Freelancer held onto the gun for a few more seconds. "Drop em." The words were final. 

With a second's more deliberation, and the silencing of a furious AI, the Freelancer did.

The human walked casually forward, lowering the gun and letting go of the handle and the trigger. " **Hey buddy.** "

"What."

" **You had really better hope the first shot kills me.** "

Libra didn't have time to react as the human swung the shotgun by it's muzzle, slamming the trigger-end against the Freelancer's helmet like a hammer and sending the troll bodily into the wall. Swinging the gun from one hand to the other like a club, Egbert crouched down and poked the body with the muzzle of the gun. Smiling at the clean hit. The troll would be out for a while. There was a very visible dent in the super-alloy top-of-the-grade Project Freelancer helmet. 

"Jade, tie him up. Use the tow cable from the jeep or the industrial-strength chains. The normal aren't going to do it."

The robot nodded, running outside while the commander kept his gun trained on the unconscious troll. 

 

* * *

 

"Owowow... my f!cking head, crap. Oh god."

"Dave." Rose said, too quietly. "He's hurt Dave. Really badly. I think he'll make it, but we need to get him help immediately."

"Yeah... but what happened. First English's head exploded, then you fainted, and then I got knocked the flip out by some blue and red f!cker-"

"Dave! We need to get English out of here!" She hissed. "Get the Sarge!"

"Oh sh!t, yeah!" He rushed down the hole into the base. "Sarge! Sarge!"

 

* * *

 

"Yeah, sorry bros, but I think that scary-ass motherf!cker's definitely captured. Or dead. Or both. Who even knows."

"Oh well that's JUST F!CKING ABSOLUTELY PERFECT."

"Whoah! Kar, calm the f!ck down. Are you alright? Why do you even care? We got the flag back, we could leave im' there and we'd have no problems. I thought you hated him anyway for stealin' your matesprite or killin' her or somethin'."

"No! I never said I hated Libra, well, okay, it's complicated. There is definitely a degree of hatred present but- no, no I'm not getting f!cking sidetracked. I just said she was the reason why we couldn't stay matesprites."

"Wait... she?"

 

* * *

 

"Sergeant, we need to get English airlifted out of here. He's seriously wounded."

"Lalonde, could you put that in a memo and title it 'sh!t I already know'!" He snapped, before sighing. "Sorry. Just get in contact with Command right away and request an airlift for medical support."

" **ugh... ugghg _aaahhhgg... screw you... pink cherry flavored..._** _oh great you broke my_ voice filter!" She hissed. "Do you know how hard it is to replace this level of equipment? Do you humans? Really, though, it's quite impressively terrifying you managed to damage my helmet with just that hit. How many times did you shoot me with your pathetic human shotgun?"

"Nope. Just hit you once. Guess trolls are getting weaker." Egbert boasted, still snarling a bit. "Now then. What are you doing out here?"


	10. Chapter 10

"So... Libra's your ex matesprite?"

"Yeah."

"The troll who showed up here, shot at the rookie, and beat the hell out of the humans, was your ex matesprite."

"In a nutshell, Ampora, yes. Excellent summary."

"So, what is she? I doub't you'd be able to get a relationship with anyone higher than green... considering your..."

"Hey, shut up. All that casteist sh!t is stupid anyway. Look at you two, you were following my orders and you're the two f!cking highest castes in the bullsh!t hemospectrum, so it doesn't mean sh!t. It shouldn't matter, but she's a teal. The armor should make it obvious."

"I don't know, she had quite a bit of battleship red mixed in. She could've been... I don't know, a mutant, like you?"

"I thought I said I didn't want to talk about it Ampora!"

"If she's a teal, why is she so agressive, anyway? Are you sure she's not like... a cobalt, or an indigo, in disguise?"

"Hey Vantas, why is she named Libra?" Makara asked. 

"It's her sign. Just... trust me, it makes sense. And it's not her fault she's so agressive, you casteist prick. It's not entirely her fault to begin with."

"Right, you should blame genetics. For all we know her ancestor got caught up in some kind of subjuggulator orgy."

"Ampora you're disgusting. Shut up. Ancestors are bullsh!t and you all know it. She got recruited into some kind of special-snowflake super-secret experimental program back during basic, where they installed this hyperagressive AI into her armor. Freelancers. I'm not exactly sure of every individual detail, but it made her even tougher and mean as all hell. And I mean, she was a b!tch before, definitely. And she could kick my ass fortyseven ways without breaking a f!cking sweat-"

"Not much of an accomplishment. A twenty-sweep old burgundy without any arms could do the same."

"-damn it Ampora. Shut the hell up I'm f!cking talking. Anyway, it took an already cream-of-the-crop fighter, and made her into a f!cking juggernaught with cybernetic enhancements."

"Wow. Looks like you won the lottery on that one Kar." Ampora whistled, impressed. "She seems more like a kismesis than a matesprite for you though... dangerous..." he grinned.

"Shut up Ampora, you really don't know what you're talking about. She was an awesome matesprite. Well... most of the time... I tried to see if she was interested in vacillating between red and black but- no! No! We are not talking about my now, A) that I am dead, and B) already broken up, and therefore nonexistent relationship problems, we are talking about getting her out of there."

"So, let me see if I'm getting this straight." Makara began. "That scary-ass motherf!cker's a robot. And you were her boyfriend. And she's an internet juggalo with an 'Ey Eye'?"

Vantas stared, befuddled, and sighed deeply, pressing his hands against his projected visor. 

* * *

 

"...So, you're a girl, huh? That's cool. Troll girl."

Rose sighed. "Just ignore him, that's what I do."

"Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapons, huh troll girl?"

"Hehehe. I don't need my weapons to kill you coolkid." She tilted her head slightly.

"What are you going to do? Punch me while you're tied up and on the other side of the room?" She leaned forward, grinning widely, and tensed all her muscles at once. He noticed the ropes stretch slightly and bounced back, bringing his weapon forward once more. "Whoah there!"

"Please stop agitating the prisoner brother."

"Oh? A brother. How interesting." The troll said, reclining back. "This must be one of those strange human family groups I've heard so much about! The two of you are the descendants of the same two humans, who were both raised by that ancestor, who's also a lusus, in the same house? Right?"

"The hell is a lusus?" 

"It's an animal that protects them when they're in their larval stage." Rose answered. 

"Mine was a dragon!" Libra announced proudly. "I had the most badass lusus of them all."

"Sweet. All I got was an asshole chimpanzee with an apartment in Texas."

"If you hated it that much why did you always head out to his place every summer?" Rose asked, rolling her eyes.

"I didn't hate it, he was the coolest."

"Fascinating." The troll said. "I've never actually met any humans before! You're much more fun than I thought you would be."

"You think so? There's probably a lot more we could talk about humans-"

"Damn it Dave. Do I need to get you and the assassin belonging a non-mammalian alien race we are currently at war with a room? For your privacy?"

* * *

 

"Well, you two don't have to worry, because I have a great plan for getting Libra out of that sh!thole."

"Kar, the last time we had a plan I nearly boiled myself alive and you died."

"Look, it's easy. So easy, even you two could do it. All you need to do is run around and fire at the humans. When they're out and distracted, I'll break in, because I'm the least visible, considering I'm a badass ghost, and escape with Libra."

"Why would they be scared of us? They have all the advantages now. We were afraid of them wiping us out while we were fortified out here! Why should we expect to survive out there in the open?!"

"Because they won't dare fire on two Freelancers."

"Why the hell not?!"

"Because they just saw what she can do. They'll be terrified of you. They won't provoke you, or any other moronic sh!t, and they'll be keeping their eyes on you the whole time. Once again, because they'll be terrified. 

"Here's another problem with this genius plan, Kar, we're not Freelancers! We wouldn't even be able to pretend to be ones! They'd recognize us."

"Not if you're different colors."

"Cod Damn it."

"I'll meet you two idiots at the other end of the transportifier." Vantas said, beginning to fade. "Now hop to it, or I'm haunting both of you." The ghost disapeared, and the seadweller sighed, turning back toward the platform marked with the teleportation design. 

He turned toward Makara and sighed. "Well, let's go then."


	11. Chapter 11

"Come on through rookie!"

"Does it hurt?"

"No!"

"Alright then!" The highblood stepped onto the pad, frowning.

"So... does it actually hurt?" Vantas whispered.

"Like boiling alive." Ampora muttered.

With a flash Makara appeared, twitching. " _Motherf!cking b!tchass damn ffffff_ -" he growled, turning on Ampora. "You lied to me."

"Sorry." Ampora said, shrinking back slightly. 

* * *

 

"Jade, do you see anything out there?"

The robot raised the sniper rifle, nodding after a second. 

"Look, Rose, it's not that weird. Troll-human relationships happened all the time."

"No they don't. We, literally as a species, have been in  a constant state of war since our initial contact."

"Come on, they used to be in the newspapers like, every other day."

"Please shut up, that's disgusting!" Libra said, laughing. 

"Those were tabloids Dave, and almost entirely fictional."

"Hey, twins! Send one of you up here. They have even more trolls I've never seen before running around! More freelancers?" their sergeant shouted down.

"Oh crap." Dave said, raising his weapon a little higher in response. 

"Hehehe, you know, all four of you barely stood a chance against me! Actually, all five of you only stood a chance. As in, an accident. It'll take all four of you to even try and keep up with more freelancers." Libra said, cackling. "Although I am sorry to see our chat ended so soon, and soon to be so permanently."

"Yeah-"

"No! One of you stay down there and keep a gun trained on the prisoner." Egbert commanded. "I don't trust her to stay put while we try to fend off her friends."

"We could put her on the honor system and guard herself." Dave joked. 

"Definitely!" Egbert said, laughing. "But seriously... Dave, get up here. There's at least two of them, big, using white armor, and their movements aren't like any I've seen before."

* * *

 

"This is Captain Vantas-"

"Private. I'm the captain now."

"Wha- since f!cking when?!"

"Since I called command to tell them you were dead. They told me you were never even promoted to begin with." Ampora said, in more of a 'I told you so' manner than an accusatory one.

"Well, I'm still the f!cking leader. So. Yeah. Do what I say assholes."

"And what do you say, our most glorious leader?" Ampora.

"Look, just keep moving around. The plan is working, the first red one just came out of the base. I repeat, Red is coming out of the base."

"Roger that."

"Hey, Ampora, Ampora, is Vantas talking to you through the radio?"

"Yeah, shut up rook. I'm trying to listen to Kar."

"Sweet. Aw man, I don' think I've even used the radio yet! Can I talk to him next?" Vantas continued to speak, and the seadweller growled, trying to turn as much away from the rookie as possible. 

"What was that Kar? The rookie was talking to me."

Vantas, hovering over the mountainside, where he could get a clear look at the human base, answered "I said, if anyone cared about this f!cking military operation, that you need to keep moving, keep the humans focused on you rather than the inside of the base-" he was interrupted at the sounds of talking on the other end of the radio. "-I SAID KEEP F!CKING MOVING ASSHOLES. ZIG ZAGS, JUMP UP AND DOWN, FIRE AT RANDOM, I DON'T GIVE A SH!T, JUST KEEP THE HUMAN'S FEEBLE ATTENTION!" He sighed as two confirmations came through the radio... which he could still somehow connect to, even dead, and sighed to himself. "I can't believe I actually died for this war."

He ghosted (heh) down toward the red base, watching the chaos unfold on the fields at the bottom of the canyon. 

* * *

 

Strider looked through the sniper rifle himself. "I don't see any- oh. Well f!ck. That's it then. We're done. We can't handle another two supersoldiers." He kept watching, raising an eyebrow. "Wait... why is he just standing there?"

The taller new freelancer crouched down next to the rocks, and remained motionless for a few seconds... he probably could have taken him out then and there but... was that part of their plan, or what? He wasn't sure. He left his finger off the trigger.

* * *

 

"Rookie! Rookie, get _behind_ the rocks!"

"What?"

"They can still see you!"

"And that's bad?"

"When they've got a f!ckin' sniper rifle? Yes!"

* * *

 

"They're definitely special ops." Egbert said definitively, watching as they moved about seemingly at random. Making themselves seem like easy targets one second, and then lost the next, and then immediately within view again. "I haven't seen special ops movements like this since my days on Sidewin- _heegurkgark_!" He grunted as his helmet HUD became flooded with warning signs before switching to Alternian characters for an instant. Then, his head began to feel like it was bursting, his brain too small for his skull. After that, he couldn't remember anything.

"You okay there Sarge?" Strider asked, glancing away from the freelancers to check what made his CO make that strange noise.

"Uh, who are you talking to human, me?"

"No, I'm talking to Jade. Because that's real rewarding." The droid turned to him and somehow gave one of its eyeless glares, giving him the middle finger. 

"I'm, uh, fine! Friend! Just, I'm so... happy! That we're doing this... shockingly competent military exercises as a team! Yes. These dirty trolls won't stand a chance as long as we're all united under me, your friendleader."

* * *

 

Vantas descended upon the base. Like before, his path seemed to cycle through several points of interest. Each human had their own. Like before, with the radio, and when he appeared for Ampora and the rookie, he just needed to latch onto one and pull through.

Honestly, he had no idea whether or not this would work. On Alternia, possessing the living wasn't a common ability of ghost children, but it's not like it wasn't unheard of. And he had never really tried controlling anyone either. He wasn't any kind of telepath, after all. But this was... strange. 

He reached into the pulling force that surrounded the human, and tugged himself into it. He filled the... empty space, within the human. He felt the armor's strength, he could feel the thoughts of the human, or at least its unconscious presence. Was this how telepaths feel when they take over their victims?

Either way, he was glad to have a body again. It felt right. 

* * *

 

"Hey, Ampora?"

"Yeah Rook?"

"I'm having a lot of fun right now."

"That's great Rook." the seadweller said airily, just about out of patience. 

"It's like we motherf!ckers are a couple of real soldiers or something."

"Rook. You would do me a huge favor if you would hide behind a different rock."

* * *

 

"Uh, hey, friend! What's up?"

"Sergeant, what's the situation up there?" Lalonde asked, glancing toward the ceiling and waiting for sounds of gunfire.

"What- uh, nothing! Why would you ask if there was something wrong... pink... one? There's absolutely nothing wrong in the slightest."

"Sir, I don't think it's paranoid to ask about the situation in the middle of a warzone. During a battle."

"Well, I don't know... friend. You're kind of acting kind of suspicious there. Fellow human. I'm... keeping my eyes on you."

"...Egbert, what's going on-" Vantas panicked and attempted to butt her in the head with his rifle. "JOHN!? What the hell?!" She cried, dodging backwards slightly. Vantas moved forward, and punched her in the head, knocking her out with the first blow. 

"What the f!ck are you doing human?!" Libra asked, shocked, staring at the blue soldier. 

"Libra! It's me, Karkat! I've come here to rescue you!"

"Ha! Even Karkat's horns aren't that small!"

"What?! Hey, f!ck you, they're still growin- oh right!" He pulled himself from the human, projecting himself as he did for Ampora earlier. "The armor."

"What the sh!t?" Egbert asked, wobbling slightly, unbalanced. "What the hell just happened? Lalonde?!" He dropped to look at the prone pink-armored soldier. "You alright?"

"Libra, there's no time to explain, so I'll have to keep this short." Vantas began.

"Hah! If you're really Karkat, there's no chance of that happening."

"Hey, f!ck you too. I'm a spirit now, and I'm trapped in this sh!thole in the physical plane, I possessed this d!uchebag to sneak in and come rescue you, while the rest of the assholes from our base are out there right now running around in white armor from the transportifier, pretending to be freelancers."

"Haha sure, okay."

"Wait, what? Really?! You just f!cking accept those bull droppings instantly?"

"Nah, it makes sense."

"Not even the whole Karkat the friendly ghost thing?! That didn't surprise you even a little bit? That's not even a twinge difficult to swallow down?!"

"Well, you're dead. But you're also here, and transparent. It's pretty obvious Karkat. You're not all that impressive to tell the truth."

"Well, alright, fine. Whatever. Let me just hop back into this guy and we'll get out of here."

"Oh no you don't you troll son of a b-" Egbert growled, raising his shotgun at the ghost. "- _heegurkgark_!"

Libra grinned underneath her helmet and yanked at the cord holding her. Pushing against it as far as she could. "Hey, let me get that-" Vantas-as-Egbert began, before she suddenly leaned back, letting go of pressure on the cable and quickly sliding out of the bindings. "Of course you don't need my help. Right. F!cking freelancers and their f!cking melodramatic 'super cool' everything. There's no actual harm in doing things normally. I hope you know that. For instance, I, your gallant rescuer, could have untied you, who was tied up, instead of waiting until the dramatic f!cking moment to reveal, ah-hah! Libra was never tied up to begin with! Shame on you for thinking that she ever needed help with f!cking anything-"

"Didn't you say we didn't have much time?" She asked, laughter beginning to tinge her voice.

* * *

 

"Rookie, what are you doin' now?" Ampora asked, watching as the landdweller set up the sniper rifle.

"One of the humans has Libra, I'm going to shoot that motherf!cker, and kill that motherf!cker, and then Libra'll be able to leave without any trouble. Vantas is going to be impressed with me, and then he'll forgive me for killing him earlier, and then you'll forgive me, and I'll be able to stay here, with you and Vantas, as a bunch of buddy motherf!ckers, without having to be afraid of getting culled."

"Oh come on, Rookie. No one's goin' to cull you. I told you, we don't do that here! Besides, there's nothin' on this coddamn planet that could make the three of us 'buddies'. Vantas would be hardpressed to refer to me as anythin' more than an acquaintance while I'm still alive, and he'll never f!ckin' respect you in the least."

"We're going to be the best f!ckin' base buddies the galaxy has ever seen." he said reverently.

* * *

 

"Okay, Libra, I'll make one last distraction, and then you'll escape through the teleporter, alright?"

"Got it Vantas." She said, serious business. 

"Alright, one. Two. Three-" the blast rang out and hit him in the head, toppling him over and sending him spinning in midair before collapsing on the ground. "GOD F!CKING DAMN IT. WHERE DID MY F!CKING BODY GO- **ROOKIE**. _You have got to be F!CKING KIDDING ME_. AGAIN?!"

" _Ampora did it!_ " came a shout from some distance away. 

* * *

 

A sharp pain woke him up. He couldn't really feel his limbs. He was just... floating. In a dark void. He could make out shapes... the bases, the canyon walls. But it was all blurry. "Hello? Hello! Is anybody out there?"

"Stop yelling! I'm here." He couldn't turn, per se, but he shifted his consciousness toward the echoing voice, and felt a bright, white light glowing over him. He could vaguely make out a set of armor.

"Where am I? What... what is this place?"

"Uh, well that's hard to explain. You were shot in the head asshole."

"Am I dead?"

"What, do sniper rounds to the forehead normally only leave you with a slight tingle?"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry. So... are you an angel?"

"What? HA! Am I an angel?!" He paused a moment, "Well... as a matter of fact. I am. I am in fact an angel. The guardian of the most inner ring. Terrifying feathered being of fire and light!"

"Am I... going to heaven?"

"What, is that some kind of bullcrap human religious thing?"

"....That's not an answer I am immediately pleased with."

"Uh, I mean." He immediately felt guilty. The sudden jolt of fear seemed to surround him. He was still... connected, with the human's body. "Sure. It's uh, yeah it's right around the corner. Definitely. Human heaven. Yeah."

"I... don't remember dying." a little bit of the fear faded with the reassurance. 

"Oh. Um, well this is f!cking awkward, isn't it? Okay, so essentially. That's because I was using it at the time. I mean, I was possessing your body when you got shot."

"Wait- hold on a second, that's not fair!"

"Not fair?! Join the f!cking club human. I got splattered across half a f!cking mountain by my own tank!"

From somewhere in the distance one of the other connections lit up for a few seconds. >Target locked<

"Ha. Ha. Very f!cking funny Peregrine. I am laughing my ass off. Whoops! There it goes. Tumbling into the abyss forever. Someday it will find human heaven, but for asses, and try to remember the joke that caused it to separate from it's now-forgotten host. I still haven't forgiven you b!tch. Shoo. I haven't said you can talk to me yet."

>Target deemed insignificant to objective. And most things, the rude jerk.< the connection faded away.

Egbert listened to the exchange with absolute confusion. This was... not going how he expected, at the very least. His attention shifted slightly, to some echoes. He recognized those voices.

_"Egbert, don't you give up on me! Sh!t. Sh!t sh!t sh!t. Damn it, Sergeant breathe!"_

"Looks like your pathetic team's trying to save you."

 _"You gotta breathe Egbert. Come on. Egbert. Sarge. Sergeant! John! Wake up!"_ There was a strange kind of echoed impact as Strider's fist slammed down on Egbert's chest. 

"That is not how you were trained to do that!" Egbert shouted, but smiling. 

"They can't f!cking hear you moron. You're dead."

_"Dave, this isn't working. He's not breathing! He's bleeding really bad!"_

"That's Lalonde, too! Oh thank God, she's alive."

 _"We could try CPR?"_ Rose suggested.

"I can't believe how hard they're trying to save me." Egbert said, choked up.

"Why wouldn't they? They're your team, aren't they? I mean, my team didn't have the chance, and they're f!cking incompetent, but why the hell wouldn't yours?"

"I don't know... I guess I was worried that they didn't like me. I always try so hard, and I try to be as friendly and supportive and the best commander possible but... I don't know, I always was afraid that I come off as overbearing."

"uh... human, don't sell yourself short. I don't even know you, and here I am, keeping you company on your way to human heaven."

"Wait... if you're an angel, why don't you have any wings?"

"Because f!ck you. I don't need wings to be an angel."

Egbert turned his attention away from the light of Vantas and back to the echoes of the world of the living. "I feel the worst about Dave. I was always pushing his buttons and being sarcastic with him... I thought I could get close to him by talking with him the same way he talks with his sister, you know, playful jibes and all that, but I think he's more sensitive than he lets on. I don't think its working."

"Sure it is. Look how hard he's trying to save you." Vantas twinged with every shift in emotion. He really shouldn't be sympathizing so much with a human... but why not? They were both dead, together. He should at least get used to it.

_"Oh thank God he's breathing."_

"Wait. He's what?" Vantas asked, surprised.

"I'm what?!"

_"We saved Egbert! Hah!"_

"Well, I'll be a monkey's... they saved me." He began fading out, rejoining the physical world. The void of lights and connections became dimmer and dimmer, and the echoes became more and more present as he reached consciousness. 

"What?! No! Come back!" Vantas shrieked up at him. "We need to even the sides!"

"Thank's for your help, guardian angel! I guess you'll have to lead me to heaven some other time!"

"God f!cking damn it!"

Egbert frowned. "No, the exact opposite of that, actually." He managed to say, before he fully woke up.

* * *

 

He blinked, and reached up slowly, touching his forehead lightly and feeling the bandages. "Wh-what happened?" He coughed as soon as the words left his mouth, and he looked up into the faces of Dave and Rose.

"You're awake." Lalonde said, sighing with relief. "Uh, well you were hit by one of their snipers. The shot itself was deflected _mostly_ by the helmet and only left a gash. But the shock and the energy of the laser in your system uh... it stopped your heart for a minute there. You weren't breathing, so we gave you CPR and saved your life."

"I always believed in you Lalonde." Egbert said, managing to relax a bit.

"Uh, well, it should be Dave you thank. He's the one who actually did the physical action."

"Strider?"

"Yes sir."

Egbert turned his head slightly, seeing Strider, and the slight blush on his cheeks. "Sir, just doing my duty."

"You saved my life Private." Egbert said, after a second. "Would have kind of maybe preferred Lalonde, but I can't complain!" He laughed, but it came out mostly as a cough. "Good work. Thanks."

The twins shared a relieved glance at the energy beginning to return to their leader.


	12. Recovering

"Well, that's not how I planned my evening." He said to himself. Staring upward into the lights. He unconsciously reached up and touched the bandages on his head. 

Around him, the sounds of doctors, nurses, and their patients, made a quiet rumble. He was told that he was lucky to be alive. 

Less than a week, and he had already been in two battles. He had actually came within a foot of a troll and survived, captured the enemy flag, gotten shot at by a sniper without getting hit, dodged Alternian tank fire, and survived having a sticky grenade go off on the back of his head. It had been a very active week. He couldn't wait to get back. 

His eyes, under his glasses, slowly drifted to the television above him. It was set to some news network. When he was a kid, it showed nothing but the war. Which planets had been taken by the Alternians, which ships had been destroyed. The death tolls, the brilliant men and women in the amazing-looking armor. There had been a draft, for quite a while. He was told that even before, many of the Human-dominated planets had drafts. Either fighting insurrectionists or terrorists or rebel worlds. 

Humanity was apparently going to turn in on itself, before they had to unite against the threat of the trolls. That war, it changed everything. The children in his colony had spent time playing with water pistols and troll masks. 

But then, when he was fifteen the war suddenly became that much less threatening. The hero of humanity, Jane Crocker, assassinated the Alternian Empress and destroyed her biological superweapon and her flagship. Soon, human worlds ended their drafts. Although trolls were still most definitely at war with humans, and you would still hear about constant skirmishes on the edges of human-dominated space, but the Alternians just... fell apart. They had their own civil wars. Their own colony worlds becoming independent. Complicated talks about Heiresses killing each other off and their aristocracy trying to swallow itself. 

The soldiers who came home then were celebrated as heroes. The ones who came home the year after brought news of a failing Alternia. The ones who came home when Jake was finally old enough to join the fight at eighteen, the year after, spoke about a boring war, about manning bases, and staring down the trolls as they stared down at you. Where sometimes people died, but they were no longer heroes of humanity. They were now just the security guards who watched the borders and made sure no trolls crossed over. 

He signed up anyway. He was always going to, ever since he was little, he was always going to. He dreaded the idea of a boring war, but he would make his childhood fantasies a reality or his name wasn't Jake Halley English.

His attention was grabbed by a man walking into his small curtained area of the space hospital. Decorated and with a good rank. "So, Private English."

"Yes sir?"

"You doing fine soldier?"

"Yes sir!"

"So." He looked down at a data pad in his hand and frowned. "Blood Gulch Outpost One. Planet Skaia, residing in debated interstellar territory. Looks like you took a pretty nasty blow just as you arrived, huh?"

"It's nothing sir."

"I'm told you're lucky to be alive."

"I've been told the same sir. I'm actually just lucky to have a cranium so thick, actually." He said with a grin. 

"We've heard interesting things have been happening there recently. Unfortunately, the Outpost One team hasn't had time to make an official report as of yet. Apparently, an hour after you were airlifted here, Sergeant Egbert was hit in the head by an Alternian sniper round. Luckily, he survived as well. Maybe thick skulls are a useful trait among soldiers."

"That's a relief. He's fine then?"

"Yes. But... what can you tell us about this 'Freelancer'."

"What? What the dickens is a freelancer?"

"It's something your team mentioned when they had you airlifted. Apparently, your attacker was captured, and identified herself as a troll 'freelancer'."

"Well, I'm afraid I haven't had the chance to meet her." He said sourly. He would have his revenge, oh yes.

"Yes. That's unfortunate. We've heard a few rumors about something called Project Freelancer within the Alternian military. Unfortunately, we _only_ have rumors for the moment. Your team mentioned they temporarily captured her, but as of the last radio contact, she had escaped, your sergeant wounded in the process."

"Don't worry sir. I'll make sure to get back at her."

"I'm sure you will Private. But keep in mind; Freelancer is interesting. Report what you can. Ah! And before I forget, you need to pick up a package in engineering. Your sergeant had requested a few specific mechanical parts a while ago, they've only just managed to be shipped all the way out here to the rim."

"Of course. Ah, and sir?"

"Yes, Private English?"

"Would you put in word that I'll need a new set of armor?"

"Ah, yes. Your helmet was irreparably damaged."

"Could you make it dark green?"

"...Tomato Red is standard issue, it helps to be a color that can't be mistaken for the troll's."

"I'm aware sir, but it seems there's a tradition at Blood Gulch to wear personal colors."

"Hm. Well, I'll think about it. You're still a recruit, aren't you? You sure you've earned a new set of custom armor right off the bat?"

"Sir, since arriving, I got within a foot of a troll and survived, captured the enemy flag, got shot at by a sniper without getting hit, dodged Alternian tank fire, and survived having a sticky grenade go off on the back of my head.

The officer smirked. "It's been a very active week for you."

"I can't wait to get back." Jake said proudly. "And I wonder if all that might have perhaps earned me a custom paint job on a new set of armor."

"I'll see what they can do."


	13. Chapter 13

"So, Command was so happy I got the troll flag, they gave me my own brand-spanking-new set of personal-green armor."

"Not bad rookie." Dave said appreciatively. "Looks more like you. Glad no one's going to be cramping my style from now on."

"Yes, it's really quite fitting. But... Green with red highlights? Are you going for a Christmas theme?"

"No, just showing some patriotic spirit." Jake said with a grin. 

The conversation stopped as Egbert ran up the ramp to the top of the base, followed by the eerily silent steps of Jade. "Hello team! Welcome back Private English. I see you're already going against protocol. With you and Rose, we have nothing but off-hue privates."

"Sorry sir, it's a reward from Command. I think I look good in green."

"That you do! Do you have a package for me?"

"Yessir."

"Excellent." Egbert said with a grin.

English pulled out the part, handing it to his CO with a smile. "They said this speech unit will have Jade jabbering with the rest of us in no time."

"Speech unit?" Strider asked. 

"Affirmitive. Command was fresh out when I first started building Jade, but once I get this last bit installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to! No offense Lalonde."

"Don't worry Sergeant, I know who you meant sir."

"Hey, screw all of you. Anyway, speech unit? Finally. No more creepy stalker robot appearing suddenly behind you in the dark while getting up to pee. You're just walking along, minding your own business, then boom, something's squeezing the breath out of you from behind. Brings back too many flashbacks."

"From the war?" English asked, turning to Strider with sympathy.

"From spending Summer vacations at his brother's apartment." Lalonde answered, grinning. She turned to the sergeant, frowning. "Sir, you should really ground yourself before handling the card."

"Why?" Egbert asked, bending down to access the maintenance hatch on the robot's back. 

"Static could damage the card."

"Come on, that's an urban legend to sell those bracelets. And I suppose you believe that poprocks and soda's going to make my stomach blow up. Because I can tell you for a fact that that one's untrue from experience." He hissed as an electric jolt passed through him as he inserted the card. "Wow!"

"I won't say I told you so sir."

"Hehehe! Wow, that was a good shock! I'll have to keep that in mind. Now... how will I be able to trick Strider into getting behind Jade..."

"Oh God." Strider said, sighing. 

* * *

 

Makara grunted, peeling off a long slice of white film from the surface of the armor. "Man, this stuff doesn't come off easy."

"Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were just cleanin' my armor."

"Y'know what Ampora, I think that might just have something to do with the fact that you didn't motherf!cking do anything."

"I'm sorry, Rook, are you gettin' fresh with me? It's difficult to hear your complaints over the sound of your constant team killin'. First you f!ckin' off Kar with the tank. And now you somehow managed to shoot him a second time. Not even I'm that worthless a team member. I'm of the personal belief that doin' nothin' is better for a military operation than repeatedly killin' your CO."

"Shut the f!ck up you motherf!cking fishf!cker. Don't make me mad." Makara growled. 

"Oh please." Ampora growled back. "Do continue, Rook. Kill off another Captain. And this time, one of a higher f!ckin' hemocaste than you. I'm sure Command will just let you off fine."

"You know what. I don't think I like you." 

* * *

 "Alright! Done! Jade, activate speech unit!"

"Woof!"

Everyone stared, confused for several seconds. 

"...Jade. Activate speech unit." Egbert commanded once more. "Repeat the following phrase; 'My name is Jade'."

She made a bark-growl sound. 

"Oh my God." Strider said, massaging the bridge of his nose. "Why."

John sat down on the ground, letting out a long, dramatic sigh. "My father has beaten me once again. And there is no method of retaliation." He said, seriously. "This, this is an elaborate one. I put in this order months ago. He even made a joke cluing me in on it, that having a robot is 'a big responsibility son'." The blue-suited sergeant began giggling. "Damn! He got me good. Guess we have a robodog now."

"In a set of Locus armor and a sniper rifle." Dave said, sighing. "Damn it. Maybe at least she'll give a some kind of sign when she enters a room instead of appearing behind you like some kind of f!cking neon lime specter."

"Wait, your father?" English asked, raising an eyebrow.

"He's an officer at Command." Egbert clarified. "And also without hesitation the greatest prankster known to our generation." He nodded at Jade. "This would be something he could get punished for at any other base. But since I put in the custom order only to be provided when and only if possible, and since Blood Gulch is such low-priority, he can get away with it." Admiration sparkled in his eyes. "Welp. He got us good once again. Oh yeah, and English, check your armor for springs, fake bugs, or well-placed packets of comically-colored fluids."

"I... uh, yes I will Sergeant." 

"Well, is there any way to fix it?" Lalonde asked. "As good of a prank as it was, we are still left in the inconvenient situation of having a military android that is incapable of communicating with us in our language."

"Don't worry about it. She understands us just fine, right girl? Who's a good girl?" Egbert asked.

She growled in response.

"See? And besides, she was silent before and was still a useful and excellent member of our team here at Outpost One! Now she can communicate to us to a higher degree than ever before! Besides, the military has used dogs before effectively. It's like we have a dog that's as smart as, and has all the other abilities of, a custom military grade battledroid."

"Well, it's still really weird." Strider replied, turning toward the robot. "hm... Jade, shake." He said, extending his hand and smirking. She grabbed it and began immediately dragging him off. "Bad dog! Bad robot!"He shouted, panicking. 

* * *

 

"Well, as fun as all this was. I think I'll take my leave of this place." the Freelancer said. "As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with all of you idiots."

The two highbloods then looked to their transparent CO to see if he had a rebuttal.

"I saved you from a lifetime of imprisonment. How in the many dark layers of hell are you square with me?"

They turned their heads once more, seeing if Libra could knock it back.

"The way I see it, there are several debts of interest. In reverse order, I owe you for freeing me. You owe me for taking out one of their soldiers, for returning your flag, and" she grinned underneath her helmet, but the three could sense it, her ego radiated the maniacal grin. "I didn't kill you at Sidewinder."

The two turned back to their CO, as if it were some strange game of tennis where the two egos would bat their arguments back and forth between each other. 

"You know Libra, I don't see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor. For most people the default in any given situation is not murder everybody, and it is not a boon when you don't murder everybody. That is called being normal. Or not a bloodthirsty murderous psychob!tch."

"Well, if you didn't appreciate the gift, I could just kill you right now."

"Wow! And Libra has scored a dumbass point! One of the many already listed in her roster. I'm already dead b!tch, Rookie here got the drop on you! But please, if you require it to appease your poor, addled murderous mind, then go ahead and flail uselessly as you try to shoot a f!cking ghost. Guess the joke's on you!"

"Quiet!" Makara yelled. "Why can't we all just chill a motherf!cking minute here and reexamine the f!cking situation. What about us?"

"What _about_ you?" Libra's voice dropping a little of its earlier mirth. 

"We helped your secret agent ass too, and what do we get? A motherf!cking feelings-jam pile of void and nothing."

She was silent for a second. "Well, I suppose so, but-"

"But f!cking nothing Libra. Dumbass has a point."

"I returned your flag." She said dismissively.

"Yeah," Ampora broke in. "but you're already bein' paid for that. That was the bare minimum. You were goin' to kill all of them and get our flag back, free of charge, before you got yourself captured." Ampora argued. "We rescued you from certain death or experimentation or whatever the f!ck else the humans do to their prisoners, as a favor. So be grateful we didn't just let you rot in that tide pool. It wouldn't have made any kind of difference to us whether you lived or died after we got our flag back."

Libra frowned, her entire demeanor cooling dangerously. She had always acted amused with the entire situation. But this.

This was business. 

"Listen here, Ampora." She said, walking up to his face. "That's some sound logic. I'm afraid however, that there's _something else you're not accounting for._ ** _I'm better than both of you. If you think_  you have some debt that I owe the two of you, something you can hold over my head, then you're not considering the obvious answer. I can kill you. You cannot. I don't have to do anything for you. If you try to manipulate me. Then I am justified in splattering the walls. With your varying shades of grape blood. And making sure that no one. Ever hears your names. Ever again.**"

The two highbloods were backed away as far as they could from the Freelancer, both pressing themselves to the wall. "But you wouldn't do that Libra." Vantas said definitively.

" **AND WHY. THE F!CK WOULDN'T I?** "

"Because that wouldn't be f!cking _just_. Would it you psychopathic assmuffin?! You're mistake, Libra, is that you have a f!cking sense of goddamn f!cking inconvenient honor. Right? You do what needs to be done, what should be done, even if it inconveniences you. You have a debt to settle Libra." He narrowed his projected white eyes. "You need to set it even."

" **I HAVE TO DO. NO SUCH THING. YOU WORTHLESS SHOUTY CRAB. I AM am**   _I am. I do. F!ck you. I am in control you jalapeno red bastard._ " She growled, momentarily raising a hand to her head before dropping it self-consciously. "...Fine. I'll stay here as long as it takes for you guys to win this thing. As soon as we have. I'm out of here. And I'm never going to see any of you ever again. Am I understood?" **  
**

"YES." Replied two voices far too quickly. Vantas gave a silent sigh of relief, and stared at her helmet with distaste.

"So. Purple, you're the captain." She said, coldly. "What do you need me to do?"

"I, uh, wow. Glub." He swallowed. "I have no idea. If you knew how to fix the tank I'd have you do that."

"Alright." She said, more casually.

"Wait, sis, you know how to up and bring back Peregrine? You're an absolute f!cking miracle, I take back all the sh!t I said about you."

"...Thanks." She said sarcastically. 

* * *

 

" _Barkbarkbarkbarkbark!_ "

"Man, first she doesn't make any noise at all, and now we can't get her to be quiet. Rose, you're good with animals, right? What's she trying to tell us?"

"Why ask me? My experience is limited to taking care of a cat and a pony. I've never so much as petted a dog. And even then, she's a droid."

"I don't know. You'd be better at it than I would. You and Jaspers would always be meowing back and forth at each other."

"And how does that correspond to me being able to decipher the communications of a war droid that can only make dog noises?"

"I had a dog back on Naturae."

"Cool, do you have any idea what Jade's trying to tell us?" Strider asked, gesturing behind him at the irritated robot.

"Hm... maybe she saw a cat. That always sent Halley off on a barking spree. Would run his voice ragged trying to scare the things away."

" _Grrrrr...."_

* * *

 

The two soldiers moved stealthily from the base to a patch of grass where they could watch Libra work without her being able to hear them. "Okay, I think we're safe from the humans for the moment. I was over their base, and saw that they already got their automobile fixed. So, whatever you two assholes do, stay out of sight from the humans before we get Peregrine back online."

"Alright, same stuff as we been doing then. But, even if we get Peregrine fixed, how are we going to flip her turnways so she's facing up? I mean it's not as if we can just up and grab one end and lift her-" Libra reached under the edge of the tank's armor, grunting with effort, and began lifting it. She stuck her other arm underneath it, and with a final motion, flipped the entire tank over so it was standing right way up. "Oh. That's one strongass motherf!cker."

Vantas whistled appreciatively, before turning back to his two soldiers. "I'm the least visible, so I'm going to head up there to higher ground. I'll keep an eye on the humans. If I see anything, I'll let you know."

"Sweet. I'll come with you."

"That... kind of defeats the entire purpose of sending me Rookie."

"No, no, I gotcha, but what if I'm really, really quiet. Not a single peep. Full-on Makara stealth mode."

"Do you even f!cking understand what the word 'visibility' means? Is there even that much grey matter in your skull to support anything with more than four syllables?"

"Ah, huh, good one."

"You don't know. Do you?"

"Course' I know. I meant the grey thing. Look, if I'm absolutely silent, they won't know where to f!cking look, will they? If they don't see me, I'm the same as being invisible."

"...Rookie, I'm going to be standing on a cliff face directly overlooking them. All they have to do is turn their freaky pale eyes up. The only reason I can do it safely is because I'm f!cking transparent."

"Just watch the human base and tell us if you see anythin' interesting." Ampora said, before turning to go talk to the Agent. He hesitated slightly before coming closer. "So, I suppose if you're helpin' us... despite bein' able to cull us, you're not as mean as we thought." He didn't want to touch the other issues with a twenty foot long trident. Normally, you had to be a little higher up on the spectrum and fairly unstable before a troll started having arguments with themselves, but it wasn't anything particularly out of the ordinary. Either way, he'd take the eloquent, amused Libra over the jittery raging one.

"I wouldn't say I'm a mean person Ampora. I just get hired to do mean things." She said happily. 

"Yeah, but... well, you get off on it."

"I don't follow." 

"You firing at Makara, ordering us around, giggling when Vantas got shot in the head again... you like all this stuff, right?"

"Well, I think it's important to enjoy what you do." She said, giving a similar giggle to the one the seadweller mentioned. 

"So, let's say I paid you to kill the Rookie. You would still do it? Even though you're helpin' us?"

"I like to think of my work as keeping a balance. I have my own place within that balance, within this war, and that is to kill people for money. It is what my organization and role within the military require of me. In fact, following through on my contracts is the keeping and preserving of the very laws of warfare themselves. If you were to pay me, of course I would. The real question here is, are we discussing a hypothetical situation?" She leaned in toward him, her voice becoming quieter and more sharp. "Or should we begin deciding a fair price?"

"Yeah, I don't want to be anywhere near you right now or possibly ever again."

"Hey Ampora!"

"What?"

"What the f!ck did you do to my body?"

"Nothin'."

"No, I mean, why, exactly, is it laying her at my f!cking feet in the mud?!"

"That's part of bein' dead Vantas. Your body's not movin' anymore. And while I'm sorry for that, we can't really help it at this point."

"No, I mean, why haven't you... I don't know, done anything with it?! Why is it just sitting out here?"

"What would you want us to do with it?"

"The animals haven't eaten it or anything. Why the hell is it still in my armor?"

"It kind of... melted on. Besides, you didn't want the Rookie to see it."

"...Fine. Let's at least... I don't know, bury it or something."

"What, like a human?"

"Better than just leaving it here!"


	14. Chapter 14

"Look, it's not decomposing. It's not being eaten. Nothing's here to wash or carry it away. We need to do _something_ with it."

"Why the hell should we? We could just leave it here, like some momento to your death. 'Here lies Kar, he never stopped shouting, and was killed by his own tank, the end'."

"Oh, so leaving a gravestone isn't some human mockery of troll tradition, but burying my body is?"

"Kar, listen. There's a set of rules that have been followed by trollkind since the dawn of time. Legacies are the work of the livin', you can leave mementos, traps, treasure troves, any kind of bullshark you want, for your ancestor or whoever the hell else you want to see it. But the corpse belongs to two people, Death himself, and your killer."

"Oh great, so it's not just you being a whiny son of a b!tch, it's about some kind of highblood bullcrap. Ancestors and descendants are absolute BS and you f!cking know it Ampora. Not only is it as statistically unlikely for the slurry to spit out a clone of, let's just say, for the sake of our metaphor, assuming that you ever manage to get within a mile of a willing bucket-mate, you, as it would be for the planet to collapse suddenly. But, it also justifies highblood's absolutely rediculous useless amounts of crap lying around, cause, someday, your chosen one special clone descendant will come and inherit your vast halls of behemoth droppings. It's stupid and casteist and impossible."

"So, what? You refuse to leave your body where someone can find it because it is somehow... casteist?"

"F!ck you, it's my body. We're doing what I want with it. Besides, the other casteist BS tradition you mentioned would mean my body now belongs to the rookie, and I sure as hell am not allowing him to fingerpaint with my brain matter or whatever the flipping f!ck juggalos do."

"Hey, why don't you just possess your body?" the rookie said. "You possessed that blue human motherf!cker, right? You were wiggling around with his legs and fingers like they were your f!cking own. Why can't you just do that with your body?"

"So, you'd have me living within my own corpse."

"Why not?"

"Unable to move. Just... laying there. Baking inside the armor until it eventually puffs up as a noxious r- colored. A colored, gas. At... some point in the future." He frowned. "Whatever, you know what I mean. It'd be useless and disgusting. What would the point even be? I can't exactly make a corpse move with my mind."

"I'm just trying to help my main motherf!cker Vantas out."

"Well, stop it. Your ideas are all composed of the same low-quality sh!t as your conversational skills."

"Y'know, Vantas. It's beginning to occur to me that you're just an asshat."

"And Rook has hit the target in the center. He finally gets it. Now, truly, he can comprehend the horror that is the Kar experience."

"F!ck both of you."

* * *

 

"How long do you think it'll be until Libra get's the tank working?"

"Not much longer Kar. She said it was going pretty well. She's almost got the gun working, and then she'll get it moving again."

"Oh, that's just _perfect_."

"Why are you upset?" Ampora asked, frowning. 

"Because as soon as she gets the tank online, she's going to use it against the humans, and murder all of them."

"Which is a good thing. Well, for us I mean. But, it's kind of what we're here for Kar. The humans have to die for us to win the war. Just one of the things you need to accept."

"No, Ampora, it's not a good thing. As soon as we beat them, Libra's leaving, and she's never going to come back. And I still haven't figured out how to get that f!cking asshole AI out of her head."

"Ey Eye." Makara whispered.

"Shut up Rookie. Look you saw how bad it was the other day. That's not highblood insanity or anything like that. She really doesn't seem like it, but when we were kids and going through training, at least, she's surprisingly stable. Like, she's constantly thinking logically at another level higher than everything else. And she used to be really, really f!cking empathic. Even without telepathy or any highblood BS powers, she just... knew things about you. But all that changed when she got that AI. She began killing for the sake of killing rather than whatever bullcrap 'justice' ideal she was following. She manipulated people before, too, but now she does it just to make them feel afraid... that AI is ruining her, Ampora. And if I can't get it out of here before she abandons us..."

"You won't ever find her again, will you?" He said sadly. 

"Yeah."

"Sorry Kar. I feel like a complete asshole now. I'm going off on how she's some kind of monster and here you are trying to save the love of your life from the real monster." He sighed. "So, what are you goin' to do?"

"The only thing I can do. I'm going to warn the humans before she fixes the tank."

"Wait. What. No. You can't switch sides."

"I'm dead, Ampora. The war doesn't matter to me now. F!ck, this sh!thive war didn't matter to me when I was still breathing either. Except now, Command can't send someone to cull me."

"Buddy, uh, don't mean to be raining on your motherf!cking matesprite parade or anything, but what happens when the humans realize we're coming to wreck their sh!t, and then come back here with their motherf!cking turret on wheels?"

"Then I'll try to help you assholes the best I can too. Good luck guys." The white transparent image faded away to nothing, Vantas ghosting to another spot in the canyon.

"Um. Does this mean I should be _trying_ to kill Vantas now?"

"Y'know what Rook? Kill me. I promise not to come back. When I'm dead, I'm going to just chill back, and try and chat up one of Death's handmaids or some sh!t. None of this haunting the living carp Kar's pulling off."

Makara chuckled and looked back into the scope of the sniper rifle, before noticing something strange. "Hey, look at this sh!t."

"No."

"They've got a new human! A green motherf!cker this time."

"Oh? You think it's a girl?"

"I don't know. How the f!ck am I supposed to tell. Humans have that weird bulky-ass armor." He thought for a second. "Y'know, wasn't the pink one a girl?"

"Wait... really? How come they get a girl?"

"Not to interrupt your disgusting and desperate pining for pale pink human meatbulges, I would like to remind you that I am also a girl. And am also standing right here."

"Well, duh Lib. But when we say a girl, we mean a girl girl."

"Enlighten me Ampora. Full testimony, this should be interesting."

"Well... you know. Like, sharp, but also soft on the inside, where it really counts. Like, a girl is supposed to be a troll that will wrap herself around you and comment on your victories."

"You've only been reading those misogynistic romance novels Kar keeps declaring trash but keeps under his bunk, haven't you?"

"It's not misogynistic, just cause you aren't a real girl doesn't mean-"

"Excuse me?" Libra growled. 

"Nothin'!" Ampora quickly finished, retreating from the cliff edge, and hopefully out of earshot. He shared a glance with Makara, before something occurred to him. "Wait, a seacond. If Lib heard that, do you think she heard Kar's plan to warn the humans about her?"

"I don't know." Makara said with a shrug. He walked up to the edge. "Hey, Libra, were you up and listening in when Vantas was getting his rage on about saving you and switching sides and sh!t?"

Ampora grabbed his shoulder and dragged him away from the cliff edge, staring at him with a mixture of rage, an inability to comprehend why Makara had said that, and simple loss. 

"Wait. I probably shouldn't have said that."

"No sh!t troll Sherlock."

* * *

 

"Hey." Rose began, looking off into the sky and watching the sun make its slow move around the planet of Skaia. 

"Yeah?" Dave replied, watching the same sun and thinking different thoughts.

"Do you ever wonder why we're here?"

"This some psychoanalysis sh!t? Doctor Lalonde's daily 3:00 PM existential therapy hour?"

Jade began yipping and making short growling noises, before a nearly mechanical grinding sound came instead of a bark. 

"What's wrong with Jade?" Rose asked, getting up from where she had been leaning on the railing and nearing the droid. 

"I don't care. Just make sure she doesn't come near me."

"Jade, are you okay?" Rose asked. "Um... functioning properly?" It began a series of especially loud sharp barks, before stopping in confusion and letting out a more panicked-sounding yipping and whining.  "That's it. I'm going to put in a personal order for an English voice module." This time, Jade began using hand signals with the barking, attempting wildly and desperately to signal out what it meant, but failing to make even a single connection with Rose.

* * *

 

This body had an especially strong signal. He wasn't sure why, exactly, but it was familiar in the same way his old body was. He slipped in easily, opening his new-

these weren't eyes. There were sensors. The HUD directly plugged into his brain... a very... strangely structured brain. It wasn't like with the Sergeant, where the Sergeant was very much there, as an unconscious presence, where Vantas would just slip in and fill all the cracks and empty spaces of the mind. With this human, it was like the two minds were running at the same time, he was very much the dominant one, but his victim wasn't unconscious or 'large' in a mental scape. It felt similar to him. The two sharing the empty spaces within the body, but the body was filled with nothing but empty space. 

It was weird, to say the least. He turned toward the nearest human, the pink-purple one, and began attempting to explain-

No.

No absolutely not.

Why. 

" _I need to give you humans a warning- what?! What the f!ck. No. Absolutely f!cking one hundred times over my dead body no! Why the f!ck am I barking?! Why can I only make f!cking lusus noise?!_ "

"What's wrong with Jade?" the pink one asked the red one. 

"I don't care. Just make sure she doesn't come near me." the red replied. 

"Jade, are you okay?"

" _No! Listen to me, the Freelancer is coming to f!cking kill you. She's going to bring the tank, and f!ck up all your sh!t, and if the AI gets especially out of control, she'll probably make your deaths as painful as f!cking possible, and I am not standing for that crap right now. She's fixing the damn tank!_ " He tried motioning the actions of murdering them and rolling in with a tank, but in his effort it came out as more of flailing nonsensically than anything else.

* * *

 

"Oh glub. Rook, she's almost done fixing Peregrine. I should radio Vantas and tell him what's goin' on."

"Wait, you got to use the motherf!cking radio last time! It's my turn now."

"Fine. Whatever."

"Alright, thanks Ampora." With a tap onto his helmet, his radio came to life. 

His eyes flooded with red. 

But he couldn't worry about that right now. Vantas needed him. 

"Calling Vantas. This is your close, personal best friend, Private Caliborn."

"Caliborn, you said your name was Makara."

" **Shut the f!ck up motherf!cker**. _My name is whatever I f!cking say it is, dig?_   **If I say my name is Callie, fishf!cker, you had better motherf!cking call me by my motherf!cking name.** _Or I'm going to get mad._ **Real, real motherf!cking mad.** " he growled, his voice wavering with restrained rage. His face then shifted, and a frown formed. " _Come in Private Vantas. Do you motherf!cking copy?_ **The b!tch has almost got the armor vehicle situation motherf!cking rectified.** _And that's no good for what you want to do._   **Tell me what you want me to do Vantas.** _And I'll f!cking do it._ "

"Uh... C-Cal?"

The radio crackled to life and a series of barking noises came through. 

" **What motherf!cking fresh hell is this lusus noise?!** _Vantas, come in._   **And silence yourself before I f!cking make you mutant.** " More barking noises. Narrowing his eyes, he turned to Ampora, who backed away slightly on instinct. " _Why don't you try calling this motherf!cker?_   **See if you don't get more than a motherf!cking screaming barkbeast.** "

"Uh... Okay." He turned on his radio as well. "Kar, we've got trouble. Libra's just about finished with the tank, and the rookie's acting really weird right now... like something suddenly got on his nerves."

* * *

 

" _Grrrrrowl. Grrrarrg. Roof! Woof! Waarruf!_ "

"Okay, this is beginning to become pitiful. Can't we just find some pen or paper or something? Not that this whole charades game we've got going isn't fun." Strider said. 

>Target Locked<

"Wait... Dave, did you hear something?" Lalonde asked, looking back over the canyon.

"What, beside miss barks-a-lot here?"

>Firing main cannon< the laser impaced the base, knocking everyone standing on top of it off balance.

"Son of a b!tch!"

"Son of a b!tch"

" _Yipe! Grrwol_!"

* * *

 

"Okay, I'm gettin' pretty tired of never gettin' to see through the sniper rifle."

"Vantas is going to be mad at us." Makara answered simply. 

"Well, won't that be a nice change of pace."

* * *

 

"Lalonde! I'm coming around in the Flubber, get ready to take the gunner position when I come by!" Egbert shouted over the sounds of the explosion, rushing out to the jeep. 

"Roger that sir!" Lalonde shouted, crouching down. 

"I'm going to go get English and take cover!" Strider shouted, backing his way off the ramp and further into the base.

"Good idea!" Lalonde answered, before jumping onto the back of the still-moving jeep as it swung past, pulling herself up and hooking herself into the turret position. "Sergeant, I'm on board!"

The jeep sped straight toward the oncoming tank, swerving only slightly to avoid a boulder. "Alright, here's the plan-" the laser flung out from the tank, impacting the jeep in its front and flipping it through the air, sending the two soldiers flying moments before the laser and parts of the jeep exploded into heat and light. "-f!cknuggets!"

He pulled himself to his feet, grabbing Lalonde by her shoulder and yanking her upright as well, before turning to run at the base. The two managed to avoid the repeated laser fire and reach the relative safety of the ramp. 

The two slunk down, catching their breath and wincing at each shake of the base under laser fire. "Do you want to tell me that plan now, Sarge?" Lalonde asked, breathing heavily. 

"I'm sorry but no time for jokes right now please!" He said, leaning slightly to try and see where the tank was. 

>Target locked. Main cannon fire<

The jolt knocked the two back to their behinds, and the other two human soldiers exited the base before they could get themselves upright. "Hey, you two lazybones just sitting here while there's a war going on?" Strider asked sarcastically. 

"What the bloody Mary is going on out here?" English asked, edging his eyes slowly over the edge of the ramp to look at the tank. 

"That Freelancer is back." Egbert answered shortly. 

"What, you mean the woman who stuck that grenade to the back of my noodle?"

"That would be the one, yes." Lalonde affirmed. 

"The one who put me in the field hospital?" He asked, his voice gaining a little bit more confidence with each second. 

"Yep. And she's about to do the same to the rest of us." Strider grumbled. 

English smiled. 

he'd been waiting for this. " ** _Hey you crumby troll floozie! Remember me? I've saved this dilly especially for you!_** " He pulled out the sticky bomb, pressed the trigger, and threw it. He wound back like an expert, and swung his arm forward like a whip, launching the bomb through the air.

The battlefield seemed almost silent as the bomb spiralled gracefully across nearly half the canyon, before it's arc became obvious, spinning towards the tank, and as it got closer, the cockpit. Each warrior in the canyon was silent as it hit its mark, spinning perfectly through the bars of the canopy and landing in the lap of the Freelancer. 

"Aw crap." She said, staring at the blinking gel-covered bomb. 

" ** _Hell yes! Three points you rinky-dink yegg_**!" He screamed. His voice seemed to echo for a second before the bomb exploded. 

" _Arrrooooo~!_ " {Oh God No!} Vantas mourned from within the armor. " _Arorowow!_ " {Libra! Libra!}

"Sarge, where's Jade going?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe she's going off to finish off the Freelancer. Loyal to a fault."

"Should we go help her? Try to bring her back?" Lalond asked.

Egbert frowned, watching as the lime-green suit of armor made it over a hill, disappearing to the troll side of the canyon. "In what? The Flubber? Naw. I'm afraid she'll either have to come back on her own, or we'll have to find her later." He smiled. "Don't worry about her. Like I said. Loyal to a fault. She'll come back."

* * *

 

Vantas slid to a hault next to Peregrine. He climbed on top, and wrenched the canopy off the tank, pulling out the body of the Freelancer. He laid her on the ground, and stared at the damage. Melted the armor together, burned what little poked through the armor black. A large, plastic, metal, and charred wound spanned her entire abdomen. Not a single drop of teal was visible among the wires and the char. 

"Vantas... is that you?" She asked, moving her arm slightly, but letting it drop a moment later. "It's gone Karkat. Callie's... he's gone. Thank you." Her voice became quieter with each syllable, until finally she was silent.

The troll in a robot's body lowered her corpse to the ground, and sat down next to it. 

He didn't move for some time. 

* * *

 

"...Vantas is going to be torn up about this. And now he has a body to kick our ass with. Come on Makara, let's get back to base."

" **I told you motherf!cker.** _My name isn't motherf!cking Makara._   **My name is. Motherf!cking Caliborn.** _You scumsucking_ **cape d!uche.** "


	15. Chapter 15

SEASON 2: O'CALLIE THE uNDYING

* * *

* * *

She grinned, looking over the small canyon. One one end, a single black base, decorated with blue glowing highlights, on the opposite end of the canyon, a concrete and steel base with red painted camouflage stripes. 

As clear as night and day. 

Red vs Blue

Troll vs Human.

Her smile got wider, she whistled happily as she made her way down the hill, pressing a finger to her helmet to activate her comm. "Come in Alternian Command. This is Medical Officer Ohpee. I have reached the Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read?" She waited patiently as the audio crackled to life, a growling voice on the other end. 

"The f!ck is a medical officer?"

"Oh, you see, when a soldier is wounded on the field, it's my job to get them back into fighting shape again!"

"Weird. And pretty useless. If someone messes themself up to the point they need a docterrorist on the battlefield, they weren't a good enough fighter to be worth sh!t in the first place."

"I'm afraid I disagree! It's inefficient to allow so many good men to waste away, when they could be useful later on, and all the same, if you were close to death, wouldn't you want someone watching over you?"

"Hell no! I'd want to go down like a beast."

"Well, to each their own I suppose." She said cheerfully. "I'm just calling in to confirm that I've reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha."

"Blood Gulch..." the voice on the other side of the comm muttered, and she heard the clacking of a keyboard. "You'll be making contact with Captain Ampora, purple blood. Never going to not be impressed on how someone that high up ended up in this wasteland." He grunted, maybe a single laugh, "anyway, ask them about their wounded dude."

"Roger that!"

"Who the f!ck is roger."

"Um. Alright then, any other orders?"

"Anything else? Hm. It says here whatever you do don't- oh. Never mind, I'm not supposed to read you that part, just do whatever you want, we don't f!cking care. This army's coming apart at the seams."

"Are, are you alright?"

"It's just been hard, is all." The growling voice continued. "No one knows what to do any more, nobody knows who the f!ck is in charge. I'm taking orders from godf!cking damn sh!tbloods, we don't know which planets are ours any more, we don't even know if the ones owned by trolls are even on the same side as us. Everything's galling apart without the Condesce."

"Don't worry, um, Alternian Command, it'll get better eventually. The Armada's in rough shape, but that doesn't mean it won't get back on its feet!"

"Yeah... no. You're not my f!cking moirail!" The voice growled. "What the hell does it matter to you?!"

"I- I just like helping people-"

"Then help the goddamn soldiers instead of sticking your ass in my business!" The feed cut out in an instant and the girl sighed. 

"...Well, I hope it turns alright for him. Who knows how the medical treaty will hold up without command... alright, focus Ohpee! Captain Ampora, Captain Ampora, royalty!"

* * *

 

"Ampora, he's always been crazy."

"No, Kar, you don't get it, he's been threatening me!!"

"Look, I'm not your lusus, I'm not even your f!cking CO any more, you are Ampora, shape up and act like it. Push him around a bit! If he's bugging you about something, order him to stop!"

"He'll rip my head off and give it to you as a wiggling day present!"

"That's... well, not too oddly specific, but you seemed like-"

"Yes Kar, that is in fact, what he said to me."

" _Calm down my brotherf!cker, you're all and taking my words_   **out of their f!cking context.**   _You forget their motherf!cking deeper meaning when you just spew them all over like that._   **With your f!cking scum-sucking amphibious-motherf!cking mouth.** "

"Kar help me please, he listens to you!"

The ghost in the paintless steel armor gave a computerized sigh. "Caliborn, Ampora, we've already established this. I don't like you, and, guess what, I don't like you either!" He said, pointing at both of them in turn. "Competing for my affection is worthless, a waste of time both for you, and more importantly, a waste of time for me. This is because we all have better things to do, and because I hate you both equally."

"That's not fair!" Ampora protested, "You like me way more than you like him!"

" **Shut your mer-wh!re mouth.** "

"No, stop it, both of you. Its childish and immature, and if you want me to like you two more, fighting over this BS is not helping your friendquest."

"Ah!" A sharp feminine voice called from the ground in front of the base. "Excuse me?"

"Yes, what the f!ck do you want?" He said, turning from the two highbloods. 

" _Don't ever be alone._ "

"Kaaaaaaaarrr-"

"Shut. It. Both of you. God. I'm talking to this new asshole."

"My name's Callie Ohpee, would any of you fine gentletrolls happen to be Captain Ampora?"

"That would be me, miss Ohpee." Ampora said, sporting a seductive grin, slicking back his hair with one hand, suddenly next to Vantas, leaning on the rails with his other arm. "How may I help you?"

The woman was still wearing her helmet, a slightly bulky black suit with olive lights. Her horns were twisty, similar to Makara's, but more knobby. "I received a distress call stating one of your men was wounded."

"You here to replace him?" Vantas said, his voice becoming slightly harder, realizing his literal replacement was here. "Well, in that case, I'm C- er, Private Vantas, this is Pr- er, Captain Ampora, and over there is Private Makara, or Caliborn, or whatever the hell he's calling himself at the moment."

" **Why did you introduce me to this motherf!cker second?** "

"Because he thinks you suck." Ampora growled under his breath.

"No, no!" The woman said, cheerfully. "I'm a medical officer, I'm here to treat their wounds and get them into fighting shape!"

"Wounded, we don't have any wounded here. Everyone's as fit as ever. No need for culling or anything like that."Vantas stammered.

"I received a call from three months ago-"

"Wait, what?" Vantas growled. "What did you do, crawl here? She's dead. Long dead."

"I came as quickly as I could. I'm sorry for your loss."

"What? Oh, uh, thanks?" He didn't really understand why she was apologizing.

"So, no one here is wounded?"

"Nope."

"Oh, well, then just let me check you three out, and I'll be on my way."

Ampora wiggled his eyebrows. "Check us out huh? Well, I'm afraid I've got the drop on you in that."

"Um, no, I'm just going to scan you for your vitals." The woman raised a scanner, quickly reading them.

" _I've got better vitals than you._ " Gamzee whispered to Ampora, making him jump from his spot on the railing. 

"On your way?" Vantas began, surprised. "Didn't you come to join our squad, you know, replace our dead wounded?"

"No, sorry! I'm just here to help out with your distress, and then assist in the canyon as needed."

"Look, we didn't order a 'medical officer'." Vantas began, starting to get mad. "Whatever the hell that actually is. We just ordered medicine. Now you show up, pester us, and then say you're going to leave? We don't need a medic, what we need right now, to truly 'assist us in the canyon as needed', is for you to join the squad and help us kill all the humans."

Her posture became straighter, taking a step back from them. "Well even if my orders didn't prevent me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I serve as a conscientious objector."

Ampora narrowed his eyes. "What the hell is a conch-ee... whatever you just said."

"I'm a pacifist." She said proudly. All three trolls shared a confused glance. The woman sighed, putting her palm against the front of her helmet. "I hate fighting, and refuse to do it."

"That's... utter bullsh!t, how did you survive the trials, let alone childhood? Or survive culling by the fleet at your first sign of defiance?"

"Look, my apologies for 'pestering' you, as you so kindly phrased it. But for now, I think I'll get out of your hair." She scanned Ampora and Makara quickly, nodding with each receiving a clear bill of health, and then waved it front of Vantas, and stared. "Um... your vitals aren't appearing... does it have something to do with your armor or?"

"You... could say that, don't worry about it, I'm just as fit as these two asswipes."

"Alright. Well, then, with that taken care of, I'll come back to check on you all again before I leave the canyon. Could you tell me the way to red base?"

"Why? You just said you weren't goin' to fight them." Ampora said, annoyed that she was leaving so quickly. 

"I'm not. I'm here to provide medical assistance."

"Wait, to them too?" Ampora cried.

"Well, of course! Resources are low at the moment, both the Alternian and Human Armadas are running low on just about everything, including recruits. I know that Alternians have a long history of having all their soldiers prove themselves in battle,  and... unfortunately, a long history of believing in the utter expendability of soldiers... but that's not an option any more. So a treaty was devised! On Earth, medics aren't shot at by either side, as they're noncombatants. They just try to patch up the soldiers during and after the battles. The Human Armada had trouble bringing that practice to space though, as trolls don't respect those laws. But, now that the Condesce is gone, a treaty was made!" She explained cheerfully, delighting in the story. "So, medical officers have been deployed, who treat both the humans and trolls, and harm neither."

" **You're a f!cking traitor that's what.**   _You're going over to the motherf!cking humans, and helping them,_   **then coming right back over here, thinking you can help us too?!** "

"Indeed!" She said happily.

"Caliborn, stop that." Vantas grunted, before turning back to the medic, "Look, Miss... whatever your name was, I don't really care enough to make the space in my brain matter to even try, the human base is the other building in this canyon. The literal, only other building. And I wouldn't go over there, myself, because as soon as they see you, they're going to shoot you." With a crack, a bullet passes in the space between the two, impacting the steel of the base. "Just like that. Oh my f!cking god, why would I think anything different? Of course I would be shot at that moment, the universe wouldn't have it any other f!cking way, wouldn't it, good job past Karkat, you're mouth has once again prompted vindictive-" 

"Get down!" Ohpee shouted, pushing him down.

"Scatter!" Ampora shouted. 

* * *

 

English grinned. "They've got a new one sir, green."

"Did you hit them?" Egbert asked, curious.

"Nope, but it was close, and it panicked them."

"Then nice shot English!" John said happily. 

Lalonde fired her machine gun toward the blue-streaked base, grinning. "I think this would be a good time as any to go on full assault then."

"Hell yes. Suck it trolls. Sneak attack!" Strider announced, getting up from where he had been crouching. 

"Agreed Lalonde." Egbert replied. "Let's go get em'."

 


	16. Chapter 16

"Ampora, get over to the rookie and help him set up a defense!" Vantas commanded, ducking down behind a rock. 

"What? No way Kar, I ain't goin' over there! If the humans don't kill me, he will!"

"Ampora, we don't have f!cking time for this inane rivalry. Your weird approval-seeking three-way intended black romance is irrelevant right now, we're under fire!"

"Romance?! Threeway- no. Damn it Kar, Cal is tryin' to kill me. This isn't some rivalry thing, it isn't about you, and it's sure as hell not kismessitude, it's plain, simple, mortal terror."

"Whatever! We'll give you covering fire, so just get to that rock! Makara isn't going to last long by himself."

"Covering fire?" The seadweller gave a sarcastic laugh, gesturing toward the bullets littering the wall and grass between the two rocks. "Unless that means you're goin' to build me a whole bullet-proof massive wall between me and them, no f!ckin' way."

"Sh!t, fine! Damn it, you, Doc, get over there and help Makara!"

"Um, my name isn't Doc, it's Callie Ohpee-"

"Yeah, and my name is I F!cking Don't Give A Damn, so just get over there!"

"What do you want me to do? I don't even have a gun." She said, beginning to get a bit scared. 

"I don't know, just go over there, wave your scanner around and scream 'bang bang' or something."

"Erm... I'm not sure, I really don't want to aggravate them. I came here to help everybody."

"Aggravate them?! AGGRAVATE THEM?! THEY ARE SHOOTING AT YOU, HOW MUCH WORSE CAN IT GET?!"

"Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved in combat unless someone gets hurt!"

"I see." Ampora said, grinning. Turning his rifle and firing. From the opposite rock a roar of anger erupted. "It seems like Cal went and hurt himself, what a shame."

Ohpee glared at him and sighed, waiting for the bullets to die down a bit, before breaking out into a sprint, diving and landing behind the opposite cover without managing to get hit. "Whew. Don't worry Makara, I'm here, where were you hit?"

" **MY F!CKING FOOT**." He growled, the air seeming to vibrate. " _Ampora's a dead fish. Deadest motherf!cking fish in the whole god damned motherf!cking ocean._ "

 "Um... okay. But first, let's get this checked out."

" **Hey, traitor. If I find you even motherf!cking twitching, you're dead too.** _M_ _ake yourself f!cking useful you olive b!tch."_

"Hey! There's not reason for that kind of language." She growled, reaching down and yanking the bullet out, prompting another scream. She dug out her med kit and got to work. 

* * *

 

"Dave, I'm running low on ammunition."

"And, what do you want me to do about it? I'm down to one clip."

Lalonde stared at him for a second. "You're supposed to carry the extra rounds."

"Well, yeah, until English showed up. Rookies do the grunt work. I did it when I was the youngest, and now that job passes on to English."

"Dave, that's one of your duties! It wasn't something we shoved on you because you were the rookie, it's just- just something you do!"

"Since when?"

"The last six months? Since we were stationed at Blood Gulch?"

"You mean while I was the rookie."

"We don't have time for this, the Sergeant and English will be running out any moment now."

"Sh!t... should I run back?"

"They'll outnumber us!"

"Strider!" Egbert called, "me and English are close to empty, we need some clips."

"Sh!t." Strider groaned.

"What do we do?" Lalonde whispered. "Sergeant, we're out of bullets."

"What? Did, did we miss a resupply or-"

"No, I left them at the base, I thought it was English's job!" he groaned, glancing back at the other end of the canyon. They were deep in troll land.

"Is it? I'm sorry!" the private exclaimed. 

"No, it's Strider's job." Lalonde said definitively. 

"What do we do sir?" Strider asked. All three privates stopped and looked toward their blue-clad commander. 

"...If we turn and run now, they'll be able to chase us, and they still have plenty of ammo. We can't keep fighting, or else we'll run out completely. The only way we get out of this is if they agree to a seize-fire... but why the hell would the trolls do that!"

"I mean, they still think we're winning. We do have them pinned down." English offered. Egbert stared at him for a second, before grinning. 

* * *

 

"Did... did the humans stop firin'?"

"I don't know! Maybe they're out of ammo."

"Greetings, Alternians!" The confident voice of the human commander rang out across the battlefield. "We have you pinned down. However, we are giving you the chance to surrender!"

"SURRENDER?!" Vantas screeched, indignant. "Nope. They're definitely out of ammo. If they could really kill us, they'd have done it by now." He looked across the rocks, to where Ohpee was treating Makara. "What are your terms?!" He yelled.

"Their what?!"

* * *

 

"Our what?" Strider whispered, unbelieving.

"They fell for it." Lalonde said to herself quietly. "I can't believe it, see if we can get Jade back Sergeant."

"Oh hell no, that machine can stay where she is." Strider growled.

"She can fix the Flubber." Egbert said, smiling. "Besides, she's just as much a member of our team."

English grinned, "Tell them we want their flag. I think I've gotten attached to it."

"And their provisions." Strider whispered.

"There's unlikely to be apple juice included with the troll's food drops." Lalonde said, smirking. "Be patient Dave."

"Shh- quiet." Egbert whispered, before turning toward the trolls. "Ahem, alright Trolls! First off! We want your flag!"

"Wait, Sergeant, the last time they lost their flag, they called in that Freelancer." Lalonde said quickly.

"-to stay right where it is! Keep the flag! But, we do want our battledroid back! You may know her as Miss Barky."

"Sh!t." Vantas whispered.

Ampora frowned. "What's it gonna be?"

"No way, no how. I just got this f!cking trash heap, I'm not giving it back! We just managed to stick horns on it!" He turned to the humans and shouted "Uh, she's not here any more! She left!"

"Yeah!" Ampora added. "One day she just turned toward the hills, went 'arrrrooo' and took off."

"She didn't go arrrooo. She wasn't a f!cking howlbeast, she was a barkbeast."

"Whatever Kar, who cares?"

"Hey, humans! How would you like to take our, uh, Pacifist instead?"

"Medical officer." Ohpee corrected.

"Medical officer! Our medical officer instead! As a hostage!" Vantas amended. 

"A hostage? But, I'm supposed to go over there."

* * *

"Should... we take it?" Egbert asked.

"The green one, right?" English whispered. "Why not?"

"I don't know, I think we can hold out for more." Strider commented. "They bought it, hook, line, and sinker. They're already offering up soldiers. We should try to get their food."

Lalonde thought about it for a second. "...A medical officer would be useful to keep around. Considering how often we tend to get head injuries around here."

"We'll take the medic!" Egbert shouted.

* * *

 

"Alright Doc, how's the victim?"

"He's doing very well." She said gently, patting him on the back. "Very alert and responsive."

"I mean his f!cking foot."

"Oh, he lost a toe."

" _Rest in peace my motherf!cking foot stub._   **YOU WILL BE** _**AVENGED**_." He said, glaring first at Ohpee, and then at Ampora.

"Um." She backed away slightly. "I think I've done all I can here. Go ahead and send me over."

"Alright then." Vantas said, sighing. "We're sending over our Medical Officer! Now what do we get?!"

"You?" Strider asked incredulously, "you're surrendering! You don't get anything except the knowledge that humanity kicked your gray asses."

"We already have that. What else do you have?" Ampora said sarcastically.

"Good one!" Strider shouted.

"What do you want?" Egbert asked. 

Vantas couldn't grin, for he no longer had a mouth. But if he could, he would. "You f!ckers have to admit that humans suck Alternian ass!"

Lalonde had a grin as evil as the one Vantas wished he could show. "What if we admitted _one_ of us sucks Alternian ass?!"

"Rose no." Strider ground out. "I am putting my foot down on this. I mention off hand that the freelancer was hot once, and you-"

* * *

 

-Two Hours Later-

* * *

 

"So, we are agreed to our terms?!" Vantas shouted.

"Go on Strider."

"Egbert, this is an abuse of power."

"Nonsense, this is fulfilling terms of the enemy's surrender. Go on Strider. Do your species proud."

"Permission for brief insubordination?"

"Permission granted."

"F!ck you John."

Egbert grinned. "Go on Strider."

"I... would like to let everyone know... that I suck troll ass."

"And, you red f!ck?"

"And that I'm a cockmunch, who has unspoken attraction for other species."

"What else?!"

"And that Karkat Vantas could kick my ass..." he sighed, "any f!cking day of the human week."

Lalonde began to giggle, soon followed by each of the other humans.

"Yeah, alright, go ahead Doc." Vantas said, nodding to himself. 

The woman stared at all of them, at a loss for words at the conversation that went over the past two hours. She silently crossed the hill to stand with the other humans. 

Strider sighed, glaring at her. "Man, I really hope you're worth this."

"Can... can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah?"

"Do... they put something in the water here? Some kind of mind-altering substance? I've been on troll-human battlefields all over the galaxy, this... this is not normal."

"Hell if I know."

**Author's Note:**

> Some notes for the future: Humans and trolls have about equal average physical ability, though trolls tend to have more potential than most. Psychic trolls exist, but their powers don't equate to much beside having several extra invisible hands to work with, and mind control is a lot easier to fight off, and still doesn't work on humans.


End file.
